Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby

LOUISVILLE, KY—Having trotted to an underpass on the outskirts of the city where they were surrounded by numerous entourages and bikini-clad women, over a dozen unregistered horses reportedly met under the cover of darkness Saturday for an illegal Kentucky Street Derby. “We usually meet here to race because it’s out of the way and there’s 12 furlongs of open road, plus nobody around here gives a shit if the horses make a lot of noise,” a jockey who only went by the name “Two-Crop” told reporters, as various riders made last-minute adjustments to their elaborately decorated, neon-painted saddles and blue LED underbody lights, with several thoroughbreds loudly neighing in anticipation of the race. “There’s no fuckin’ around out here. It’s ten thousand cash to enter the race, winner take all. And if you lose, you might have to hand over your filly to the jockey who beat you.” Just as the contestants were lining up behind the hand-drawn chalk outline of a starting gate, a number of mounted police officers descended on the scene, causing the jockeys to quickly jump on their steeds and gallop away in all different directions.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.