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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby

LOUISVILLE, KY—Having trotted to an underpass on the outskirts of the city where they were surrounded by numerous entourages and bikini-clad women, over a dozen unregistered horses reportedly met under the cover of darkness Saturday for an illegal Kentucky Street Derby. “We usually meet here to race because it’s out of the way and there’s 12 furlongs of open road, plus nobody around here gives a shit if the horses make a lot of noise,” a jockey who only went by the name “Two-Crop” told reporters, as various riders made last-minute adjustments to their elaborately decorated, neon-painted saddles and blue LED underbody lights, with several thoroughbreds loudly neighing in anticipation of the race. “There’s no fuckin’ around out here. It’s ten thousand cash to enter the race, winner take all. And if you lose, you might have to hand over your filly to the jockey who beat you.” Just as the contestants were lining up behind the hand-drawn chalk outline of a starting gate, a number of mounted police officers descended on the scene, causing the jockeys to quickly jump on their steeds and gallop away in all different directions.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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