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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Unsettling Basketball Article Praises Portland Trail Blazers’ Young, Voluptuous Talent

PORTLAND, OR—As the Trail Blazers face off against the Spurs in the second round of the NBA Playoffs this week, an unsettling ESPN.com article published Friday reportedly disturbed readers by praising Portland’s roster of young, tantalizingly voluptuous basketball talent. “This is a team packed deep with young, hot, firm playmakers,” read an excerpt from the comprehensive team profile by ESPN analyst Tim Legler, which contains extensive descriptions of a “tender yet simultaneously rock-hard team” and includes over 500 words devoted to the “throbbing backcourt presence” of Blazers point guard Damian Lillard. “These guys have everything: finesse, energy, and more than a little bit of sass. And with so many of them younger than 24 years of age, we’ll be able to keep our eyes on their lithe, muscular, tempting bodies for many, many years to come. I for one am definitely looking forward to it.” According to sources, the article is the seventh such story authored by Legler this year.

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