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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Unsettling Basketball Article Praises Portland Trail Blazers’ Young, Voluptuous Talent

PORTLAND, OR—As the Trail Blazers face off against the Spurs in the second round of the NBA Playoffs this week, an unsettling ESPN.com article published Friday reportedly disturbed readers by praising Portland’s roster of young, tantalizingly voluptuous basketball talent. “This is a team packed deep with young, hot, firm playmakers,” read an excerpt from the comprehensive team profile by ESPN analyst Tim Legler, which contains extensive descriptions of a “tender yet simultaneously rock-hard team” and includes over 500 words devoted to the “throbbing backcourt presence” of Blazers point guard Damian Lillard. “These guys have everything: finesse, energy, and more than a little bit of sass. And with so many of them younger than 24 years of age, we’ll be able to keep our eyes on their lithe, muscular, tempting bodies for many, many years to come. I for one am definitely looking forward to it.” According to sources, the article is the seventh such story authored by Legler this year.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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