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Unspeakable Happens In Area Town

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Unspeakable Happens In Area Town

Townspeople comfort each other at the scene of the event.
Townspeople comfort each other at the scene of the event.

MURPHY, ID—Indescribable tragedy struck the quiet foothill town of Murphy Monday, leaving authorities and citizens dumbstruck by the nameless horror that descended on their community.

"Oh God," said Wilma Freas, standing at the edge of Main Street overlooking the lumberyard. "Those poor people!"

Added Freas: "And the children..."

Murphy residents are still attempting to come to grips with the overwhelming catastrophe, with reactions ranging from unimaginable sorrow to sheer incoherent rage.

"Why?!" said feed-store owner Blaine Fullerton, beating the counter with a clenched fist. "Those were innocent—I mean, in big cities, maybe. But here?"

"Why?" added Fullerton, removing his cap and throwing it to the ground.

Emergency personnel deployed to the site of the inexplicable horror reported that their efforts to contain the situation are in effect.

"I rushed... right when I... I...," said Dr. Marjorie Sweeny, a trauma surgeon at Benediction Memorial Hospital in nearby Caldwell. "As a doctor, I... I wanted to see if there was anything I could do. I thought there was a chance I... Oh God! Oh God, all the blood! I'm sorry. I have to... Right now I have to..."

Law-enforcement officials from the state to the federal level have been called in to deal with the situation. However, due to communications difficulties, many agencies have had problems coordinating their efforts.

"We're on the road," said Sgt. Jason Haskell of the Murphy police department, attempting to direct members of the National Guard to the site of the great calamity. "Everybody... should get down... to the road."

"Lord in heaven, no!" Haskell added.

Many of the early reports, garbled though they are, have come from the local level. Owyhee County Sheriff's Deputy Ronald Muntoth is one of the few witnesses to the scene who has been able to give a near-coherent report.

"I've seen a lot of things in my years on the force," Muntoth said. "But I'm still trying to get my mind around this unthinkable tragedy. We had a train derailment a few years ago that I thought was incomprehensible. But this—I... I can't even begin to... No. I just... It... Excuse me."

As fragmented accounts of the tragic events continue to trickle in, stunned residents of Murphy are quietly closing ranks, banding together to bear mute witness to the inconceivable disaster. On Monday evening, thousands of locals assembled in the town square, so recently the scene of incalculable loss, to observe a moment of silence for the as-yet-unnamed victims. After a respectful but undetermined period of time, Mayor Molly Hawkshaw spoke.

"Oh!" said Hawkshaw, who is assuming personal responsibility for the confidential investigation into the tragedy. "I just... We... argh gah... pain and shock."

Idaho Gov. Dirk Kempthorne plans to visit Murphy later this week.

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