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Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

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The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

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The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

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Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

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Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

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Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

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Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

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Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

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Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

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North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

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Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

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Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

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Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

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Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

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Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

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Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

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Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Surprises

Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together

The over-dramatic spotlight hog (left) and histrionic center-of-the-universe (right).
The over-dramatic spotlight hog (left) and histrionic center-of-the-universe (right).

LOWELL, MA—What was meant to be a relaxing family gathering was transformed into a heated, hours-long competition on Saturday, as 3-year-old Nicholas Aunchman and 41-year-old Sandy Aunchman vied with one another for the attention of their relatives.

The barbecue, which began shortly after 4 p.m., saw both emotionally fragile and needy family members square off in their attempts to be the evening's sole focal point.

"Nicholas was a real handful tonight," said Joel Aunchman, 35, the toddler's father and Sandy's younger brother. "He was pretty revved up by how many people were at the barbecue and he just wanted to be right in the middle of everything."

"And my sister was—well, she was my sister," Joel added.

According to those in attendance, Sandy established herself as the center of attention immeditately upon her arrival. After fixing herself the first of many cocktails, she reportedly drowned out all the other guests with a loud account of her "incredibly hectic" week.

Sandy's dominance only lasted an estimated two minutes, however, at which point family members watched Nicholas bound into the backyard, arms stretched out at his sides.

"Vroosh," the excited boy shouted, as the dozen or so attendees turned their attention to him. "Look at me! I'm a jumbo jet! Vroosh!"

But Sandy soon approached the crowd gathered around her nephew and forcefully seized control of the conversation.

"Nicholas was telling us about saber-toothed tigers when Sandy cut him off and announced that her divorce had just been finalized," said cousin Lyle Peters, 44. "Then she proceeded to bring up her ex-husband's affair and how she just knows her lawyer screwed her over."

"If Nicholas hadn't marched back up a few minutes later and made us come see the rocks he'd found, I would've been stuck listening to her sob story all night," Peters added.

Over the next several hours, Sandy and her nephew jockeyed back and forth in an escalating contest of one-upmanship. Witnesses gave accounts of numerous instances in which Nicholas interrupted dinner discussions by insisting that everyone either sing the alphabet song with him, or watch how fast he could run around the picnic tables.

Meanwhile, Sandy circulated the crowd telling heavily embellished stories about her brushes with fame, made baseless accusations about close friends, and even suggested it be might time for Nicholas to take a nap.

Shortly after dinner, Nicholas suddenly announced that his tummy hurt, eliciting a chorus of sympathetic moans. Within seconds, Sandy proclaimed that "[her] stomach hurt, too," before adding, "but nobody cares about Sandy." Even after receiving assurances of sympathy, Sandy delved deeper in her quest for pity, suggesting that her ailment was probably phantom pain from her hysterectomy 14 years earlier, which, she noted, had left her "unable to have any children of [her] own".

As the struggle stretched into the night, both contestants reportedly took up desperate, high-risk strategies to secure attention.

"I saw Nicholas intentionally pulling my daughter's hair, so I went over to have a talk with him," said Sandy's younger sister Carol Brownell. "But as I was doing so, Sandy sidled up next to my husband and began flirting with him right in front of everyone."

The contest reportedly reached its climax around 9:30 p.m., when a drunken Sandy screamed at her parents for a "lifetime of neglect," then sat down at a patio table, buried her head in her hands, and burst into tears.

Almost simultaneously, a tired and cranky Nicholas screamed about how "no one was looking at [him]," before sobbing hysterically.

Both participants then passed out and had to be carried home.

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