Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect

MORGANTON, NC—If not for the faint glimmer of hope offered by a dinner date Thursday, sources confirmed that unemployed 24-year-old Justin Glick would have absolutely nothing to prevent him from sinking fully into the profound abyss of disrepair that is his daily life.

Justin Glick has made a concerted effort to cut down on his daily peanut-butter-on-a-spoon intake.

With the prospect of human interaction with a member of the opposite sex looming, Glick has for the first time in two years made an attempt to look somewhat presentable. This has forced Glick to attend to his personal hygiene, leave the confines of his apartment during the daytime hours on multiple occasions, shower regularly, and generally disrupt his otherwise smooth free fall into total dereliction.

Sources say that had Glick not been set up on a blind date with friend-of-a-friend Emily Moffet, 25, he would currently be unshaven, shirtless, and lying prostrate in his bed alongside a week-old pile of discarded chicken bones watching a Married…With Children marathon on FX.

"Justin's pretty excited for this date," said friend and roommate Jeff Hughes, 25, who witnessed Glick shaving off his beard with an electric razor over the bathroom sink Monday afternoon instead of trimming it with a pair of rusted kitchen scissors over the breakfast table, as he would have done if not faced with the possibility of talking to a human female. "I hope it goes well for him."

Since scheduling the date, Glick has been able to temporarily delay the process of slowly atrophying into a pale shadow of a man. In the past two days, he has made astonishing progress in temporarily mitigating the various personal failures that once threatened to swallow him whole—shortcomings that included the studious evasion of his mirror image, an utter lack of self-reflection or discernible inner life, paralyzing self-loathing, an absence of physical activity beyond coughing fits and running out to get more cigarettes, and unexplained bouts of crying during American Express commercials.

"It's all about making a good first impression," said Glick, wetting a comb with actual water rather than licking his right hand and running his saliva-coated fingers through his hair as per his normal, non-date-related grooming routine. Glick went on to insert a toothbrush into his mouth for the first time since mid-July.

"This girl better be hot," added Glick, who—without the possibility of that statement proving true—would right now be biting his own overgrown toenails and stubbing out his cigarettes on his bedpost in lieu of getting up from the prone position and walking four steps to reach the ashtray.

In addition, had Glick not been informed Monday by his friend that Moffet is "totally [his] type," he would at this very moment be using a pile of unlaundered boxer shorts as a pillow while lying naked on his couch and consuming s'mores-flavored Pop-Tarts directly out of the foil wrapping for lunch. Instead, Glick is currently sitting on his couch in an upright position and is eating the Pop-Tarts over an old magazine in a relatively fastidious effort to prevent the crumbs from falling into his pubic hairs.

The upcoming night out has not only forced Glick to pull himself out of the depths of sloth and indolence, but has kept him from allowing his living quarters to devolve into a filthy pit of vermin-infested squalor.

"You never know what could happen if she comes back to my place," said Glick, whose room was noticeably free of the mound of dirty clothes stacked on his desk chair, the six packets of unopened Top Ramen scattered on the floor beside his bed, and the visible bubble of hardened Chick-fil-A sauce on his now-discarded throw rug that would normally be present without the real, albeit slim, chance of sexual intercourse with a woman.

This recent five-day stretch of self-improvement is the longest Glick has maintained a faint semblance of a healthy human existence since February 2006, when he briefly staved off a spiral into complete physical and spiritual abandon in order to apply and interview for a job as a video-game tester.

As of press time, Glick had yet to find out that his date was actually scheduled for two Thursdays ago.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close