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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team:

We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT sends operatives to pose as kitchen staff in hundreds of different restaurants and, shockingly, 95% were able ejaculate onto the plates of unsuspecting patrons without getting caught.

How much corruption and human rights abuses will the world allow a government to commit? To find out, SIURT reporters spend more than a decade undercover as the ruling class in Somalia.

Thousands of children across the nation think being a firefighter is the ultimate profession... but is it? SIURT discovers that not only is firefighting dangerous, largely thankless work it doesn’t pay that well and is nowhere as cool as being a reporter.

Can the disaster-ravaged Gulf Coast region handle another crisis... or is it just one disaster away from total collapse? We find out by exploding a chemical tanker headed toward Miami.

Are lawyers overpaid? To find out, a SIURT reporter forged law degrees and defended dozens of people accused of crimes. The reporter lost nearly every case, sending dozens of innocent people to jail, proving that lawyers are indeed a valuable part of our justice system.

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