adBlockCheck

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team:

We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT sends operatives to pose as kitchen staff in hundreds of different restaurants and, shockingly, 95% were able ejaculate onto the plates of unsuspecting patrons without getting caught.

How much corruption and human rights abuses will the world allow a government to commit? To find out, SIURT reporters spend more than a decade undercover as the ruling class in Somalia.

Thousands of children across the nation think being a firefighter is the ultimate profession... but is it? SIURT discovers that not only is firefighting dangerous, largely thankless work it doesn’t pay that well and is nowhere as cool as being a reporter.

Can the disaster-ravaged Gulf Coast region handle another crisis... or is it just one disaster away from total collapse? We find out by exploding a chemical tanker headed toward Miami.

Are lawyers overpaid? To find out, a SIURT reporter forged law degrees and defended dozens of people accused of crimes. The reporter lost nearly every case, sending dozens of innocent people to jail, proving that lawyers are indeed a valuable part of our justice system.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close