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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team:

We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT sends operatives to pose as kitchen staff in hundreds of different restaurants and, shockingly, 95% were able ejaculate onto the plates of unsuspecting patrons without getting caught.

How much corruption and human rights abuses will the world allow a government to commit? To find out, SIURT reporters spend more than a decade undercover as the ruling class in Somalia.

Thousands of children across the nation think being a firefighter is the ultimate profession... but is it? SIURT discovers that not only is firefighting dangerous, largely thankless work it doesn’t pay that well and is nowhere as cool as being a reporter.

Can the disaster-ravaged Gulf Coast region handle another crisis... or is it just one disaster away from total collapse? We find out by exploding a chemical tanker headed toward Miami.

Are lawyers overpaid? To find out, a SIURT reporter forged law degrees and defended dozens of people accused of crimes. The reporter lost nearly every case, sending dozens of innocent people to jail, proving that lawyers are indeed a valuable part of our justice system.

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