UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Just hours after she was left broken-hearted by the death of boyfriend Christopher Dorner, sources reported that Taylor Swift rekindled her romance with the deceased California cop killer Wednesday and has been inseparable from his charred remains ever since. “Taylor was absolutely crushed when her beau barricaded himself in a remote cabin and committed suicide, but after some intense soul-searching, she realized she couldn’t live without him,” Popsugar.com blogger Kristen Stern said of the rekindled romance between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the deceased subject of the LAPD’s largest-ever manhunt. “Now the Swifner romance is back on! Fans caught the country cupcake canoodling with Christopher’s burnt corpse at a San Bernardino County coroner’s office this afternoon, and friends say she’s planning a special Valentine’s Day surprise for her man. She’s definitely smitten.” At press time, paparazzi photographed the couple cozying up together inside Dorner’s body bag.

This is an update to an earlier story.

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