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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Just hours after she was left broken-hearted by the death of boyfriend Christopher Dorner, sources reported that Taylor Swift rekindled her romance with the deceased California cop killer Wednesday and has been inseparable from his charred remains ever since. “Taylor was absolutely crushed when her beau barricaded himself in a remote cabin and committed suicide, but after some intense soul-searching, she realized she couldn’t live without him,” Popsugar.com blogger Kristen Stern said of the rekindled romance between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the deceased subject of the LAPD’s largest-ever manhunt. “Now the Swifner romance is back on! Fans caught the country cupcake canoodling with Christopher’s burnt corpse at a San Bernardino County coroner’s office this afternoon, and friends say she’s planning a special Valentine’s Day surprise for her man. She’s definitely smitten.” At press time, paparazzi photographed the couple cozying up together inside Dorner’s body bag.

This is an update to an earlier story.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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