UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

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Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

We Spoke Too Soon

BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion has issued an apology to the family of Boston resident Tom Mahoney, who was shot and killed by the news organization at 2:10 p.m. today. “We have learned that, contrary to our prior reports, Mr. Mahoney was in fact just a school teacher and not the Boston Marathon bomber,” read an official statement from The Onion. “Next time, instead of creating a media firestorm, misleading the public with uncorroborated information, and murdering an innocent man, we will make sure to confirm the identity of the bomber with the proper officials before taking a shot.” The Onion once again apologizes.

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