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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

We Spoke Too Soon

BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion has issued an apology to the family of Boston resident Tom Mahoney, who was shot and killed by the news organization at 2:10 p.m. today. “We have learned that, contrary to our prior reports, Mr. Mahoney was in fact just a school teacher and not the Boston Marathon bomber,” read an official statement from The Onion. “Next time, instead of creating a media firestorm, misleading the public with uncorroborated information, and murdering an innocent man, we will make sure to confirm the identity of the bomber with the proper officials before taking a shot.” The Onion once again apologizes.

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