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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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UPS Guy Hasn't Heard A Doorbell Like That One In A While

LITITZ, PA—Claiming the chiming melody reminded him of his early days in the parcel delivery service, UPS worker John Shea told reporters Tuesday that he hadn't heard a doorbell like the one at Daniel and Beth Mack's house at 130 Cindy Ln. in "a heck of a long time." "They don't make them like that anymore—trust me, I've heard them all," said Shea, who reportedly expounded on the difference between digital and analog chimes to Mr. Mack as the homeowner stood waiting to sign for his package. "That's a real classic. Nice change of pace from your standard 'ding-dong.' Good doorknob, too. Sturdy." Shea was not permitted inside the house for a cup of coffee.

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