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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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UPS Guy Hasn't Heard A Doorbell Like That One In A While

LITITZ, PA—Claiming the chiming melody reminded him of his early days in the parcel delivery service, UPS worker John Shea told reporters Tuesday that he hadn't heard a doorbell like the one at Daniel and Beth Mack's house at 130 Cindy Ln. in "a heck of a long time." "They don't make them like that anymore—trust me, I've heard them all," said Shea, who reportedly expounded on the difference between digital and analog chimes to Mr. Mack as the homeowner stood waiting to sign for his package. "That's a real classic. Nice change of pace from your standard 'ding-dong.' Good doorknob, too. Sturdy." Shea was not permitted inside the house for a cup of coffee.

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