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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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UPS Guy Hasn't Heard A Doorbell Like That One In A While

LITITZ, PA—Claiming the chiming melody reminded him of his early days in the parcel delivery service, UPS worker John Shea told reporters Tuesday that he hadn't heard a doorbell like the one at Daniel and Beth Mack's house at 130 Cindy Ln. in "a heck of a long time." "They don't make them like that anymore—trust me, I've heard them all," said Shea, who reportedly expounded on the difference between digital and analog chimes to Mr. Mack as the homeowner stood waiting to sign for his package. "That's a real classic. Nice change of pace from your standard 'ding-dong.' Good doorknob, too. Sturdy." Shea was not permitted inside the house for a cup of coffee.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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