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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder

MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first attempt,
Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to re-sigh louder and more
plaintively Monday. "Well, I guess I'll just turn off everyone else's lights at the
end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told coworkers before letting out a second,
longer sigh. "Oh, well." Lindel, who was unable to elicit any measure of
sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded
and significantly more resignation in her voice.

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