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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Uptight Matron Enjoys Handful of Pills

SCOTSDALE, AZ—Georgette McHue, a Scotsdale-area uptight matron, enjoyed a handful of colorful pills yesterday, swallowing them down after dinner with a glass of water. The estimated 39 gel-capped pills, an assortment of doctor-prescribed medications designed to fortify her diet and calm a recently diagnosed nervous condition, were described by McHue as “very important” to her continued good health. “I feel more spring in my step than when I was in my 20s,” she said. She is slated to take the same dosage every day at dinner time until prescribed otherwise. “The blue one is for calcium, the orange one is for fiber, the pink one is estrogen, the big yellow one is for shingles, and the white ones help me sleep better,” McHue explained.

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