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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Uptight Matron Enjoys Handful of Pills

SCOTSDALE, AZ—Georgette McHue, a Scotsdale-area uptight matron, enjoyed a handful of colorful pills yesterday, swallowing them down after dinner with a glass of water. The estimated 39 gel-capped pills, an assortment of doctor-prescribed medications designed to fortify her diet and calm a recently diagnosed nervous condition, were described by McHue as “very important” to her continued good health. “I feel more spring in my step than when I was in my 20s,” she said. She is slated to take the same dosage every day at dinner time until prescribed otherwise. “The blue one is for calcium, the orange one is for fiber, the pink one is estrogen, the big yellow one is for shingles, and the white ones help me sleep better,” McHue explained.

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