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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Uptight Matron Enjoys Handful of Pills

SCOTSDALE, AZ—Georgette McHue, a Scotsdale-area uptight matron, enjoyed a handful of colorful pills yesterday, swallowing them down after dinner with a glass of water. The estimated 39 gel-capped pills, an assortment of doctor-prescribed medications designed to fortify her diet and calm a recently diagnosed nervous condition, were described by McHue as “very important” to her continued good health. “I feel more spring in my step than when I was in my 20s,” she said. She is slated to take the same dosage every day at dinner time until prescribed otherwise. “The blue one is for calcium, the orange one is for fiber, the pink one is estrogen, the big yellow one is for shingles, and the white ones help me sleep better,” McHue explained.

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