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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Urban Meyer Gets The Destroy-My-Personal-And-Physical-Health-Again Bug

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he missed the thrill and challenge of chest pains, breathing difficulties, and rapid fluctuations in blood pressure, two-time college national champion football coach Urban Meyer announced Nov. 28 that he would take the head coaching position at Ohio State. "What can I say, I have that arachnoid-brain-cyst-that-could-cause-severe-neurological-damage itch, and I need to scratch it," said Meyer, who added that his gut was telling him to leave the commentator's desk behind and get back out on the sidelines for another chance at collapsing from a heart attack in front of his players. "Once you get the run-yourself-into-the-ground-with-unbelievable-stress fever, it never quite lets you go." Meyer will reportedly meet with existing coaching staff as soon as possible to get started on strategy, dehydration, and headaches.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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