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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Urban Meyer Gets The Destroy-My-Personal-And-Physical-Health-Again Bug

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he missed the thrill and challenge of chest pains, breathing difficulties, and rapid fluctuations in blood pressure, two-time college national champion football coach Urban Meyer announced Nov. 28 that he would take the head coaching position at Ohio State. "What can I say, I have that arachnoid-brain-cyst-that-could-cause-severe-neurological-damage itch, and I need to scratch it," said Meyer, who added that his gut was telling him to leave the commentator's desk behind and get back out on the sidelines for another chance at collapsing from a heart attack in front of his players. "Once you get the run-yourself-into-the-ground-with-unbelievable-stress fever, it never quite lets you go." Meyer will reportedly meet with existing coaching staff as soon as possible to get started on strategy, dehydration, and headaches.

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