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Urban Meyer Gets The Destroy-My-Personal-And-Physical-Health-Again Bug

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Urban Meyer Gets The Destroy-My-Personal-And-Physical-Health-Again Bug

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he missed the thrill and challenge of chest pains, breathing difficulties, and rapid fluctuations in blood pressure, two-time college national champion football coach Urban Meyer announced Nov. 28 that he would take the head coaching position at Ohio State. "What can I say, I have that arachnoid-brain-cyst-that-could-cause-severe-neurological-damage itch, and I need to scratch it," said Meyer, who added that his gut was telling him to leave the commentator's desk behind and get back out on the sidelines for another chance at collapsing from a heart attack in front of his players. "Once you get the run-yourself-into-the-ground-with-unbelievable-stress fever, it never quite lets you go." Meyer will reportedly meet with existing coaching staff as soon as possible to get started on strategy, dehydration, and headaches.

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