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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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U.S. Adds 4 Million Jobs But In St. Louis

WASHINGTON—The Labor Department reported Monday that the U.S. economy created a staggering 4 million jobs in October, though government officials hastened to add that the new positions are all located in the St. Louis metropolitan area. "New employment opportunities are emerging in the fields of engineering, medicine, and manufacturing, but, to be clear, one would have to move to and live in St. Louis to fill these openings," said government spokesperson Stephanie Bergsen, noting that the city has a high crime rate and not much in the way of culture, so be sure to take that into consideration. "Though this much- needed job growth would bring our unemployment rate down to a far more manageable six and a half percent, at the end of the day, it's St. Louis, so…" Republicans strategists are reportedly already planning to use President Obama's record of creating 4 million jobs in St. Louis as the basis for numerous attack ads.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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