U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi Suspected of Making the Country Up

Top Headlines


Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi Suspected of Making the Country Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Chad Halpern, U.S. Ambassador to the West African nation of Bulungi since 1994, has been asked to return to Washington to face allegations that the country does not exist.

"I want to stress that nothing has been substantiated as of yet," President Clinton told reporters at a press conference Monday. "But there is a possibility that Ambassador Halpern made the country up."

According to Clinton, suspicions first arose last month when Ghanaian prime minister Kwame Okoye paid an official visit to the U.S. When Secretary of State Warren Christopher asked Okoye for an update on the fighting between the Ghanaian army and Bulungi's Mukka-Lukka rebels during a formal state dinner, Okoye replied, "I am sorry—I do not understand of what you speak."

Christopher then explained to Okoye that Ambassador Halpern had recently informed him that fighting between the two rival nations had reached a breaking point, with Ghana's army advancing all the way to the Bulungian capital of Yabba-Dabba.

"After dinner that night," Clinton said, "Secretary Christopher and I made the decision to look Bulungi up in an atlas. Unfortunately, we were unable to find it. We also looked for it in a large dictionary, under several different spellings, but again it was without success."

Ambassador Halpern, 24, of Laguna Beach, CA, was appointed to his post by President Clinton after a chance meeting at a Laguna Beach McDonald's where Halpern was working at the time. After discussing Bulungian politics with Halpern for more than two hours, Clinton was impressed enough to name him ambassador.

Bulungian Ambassador Chad Halpern

"Mr. Halpern is a charismatic and persuasive young man," Clinton said two years ago at a ceremony celebrating the appointment. "I am confident that with his great expertise, the U.S. can reestablish strong relations with Bulungi and help the nation move beyond all the problems that plagued it in the past, such as last year's brutal tribal war between the Dodos and the Mukka-Lukkas, and the Great Bongo Drought of 1994."

Pending further investigation, Halpern's $14,500 monthly salary, which for the past two years has been sent to his girlfriend in Tahiti, has been suspended. Incidentally, for the past two years, Halpern's girlfriend's phone line in Tahiti has also been serving as a switchboard for routing calls between Halpern and Washington, a situation the ambassador explained was necessary because "the phones here in Bulungi are just all fucked up."

These conversations, which occurred "about once every month," were "brief but informative," according to Christopher. Despite suspicions surrounding Halpern, Christopher praised the ambassador, saying he has done "an excellent job monitoring a period in Bulungian history marked by often intense sectional surfing competitions." Christopher did not, however, deny that several of the calls were characterized by giggling.

Christopher added that while Halpern told him getting a ticket for a flight to Washington was "a bitch," the ambassador assured him he would be on the next available plane departing from Bulungi's Primo-Ganja Airport.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close