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Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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U.S. Ambassador To Cambodia Thinks Diplomatic Immunity Covers What He Just Did

PHNOM PENH—Wiping blood from his hands as he spoke with reporters Monday, U.S. ambassador to Cambodia William E. Todd said that if memory served, the thing he just did is almost certainly covered under the provisions of diplomatic immunity. “While I would need to consult the exact wording of the 1961 Vienna Convention again to confirm, I’m fairly confident that if you examine sovereign treaty law you’ll find that what I just did a few minutes ago cannot be defined as a prosecutable action,” said the disheveled diplomat before changing his soiled shirt, washing his face and torso, and hoisting a full garbage bag into the trunk of his car. “Of course, in the rare event of a civil suit, the State Department may waive immunity, but persecution isn’t taken in the vast majority of cases. That is my understanding, at least.” The ambassador went on to tell reporters that, as far as he knew, even if they wanted to stop him, they couldn’t.

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