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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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U.S. Ambassador To Cambodia Thinks Diplomatic Immunity Covers What He Just Did

PHNOM PENH—Wiping blood from his hands as he spoke with reporters Monday, U.S. ambassador to Cambodia William E. Todd said that if memory served, the thing he just did is almost certainly covered under the provisions of diplomatic immunity. “While I would need to consult the exact wording of the 1961 Vienna Convention again to confirm, I’m fairly confident that if you examine sovereign treaty law you’ll find that what I just did a few minutes ago cannot be defined as a prosecutable action,” said the disheveled diplomat before changing his soiled shirt, washing his face and torso, and hoisting a full garbage bag into the trunk of his car. “Of course, in the rare event of a civil suit, the State Department may waive immunity, but persecution isn’t taken in the vast majority of cases. That is my understanding, at least.” The ambassador went on to tell reporters that, as far as he knew, even if they wanted to stop him, they couldn’t.

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