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U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day

WASHINGTON, DC—Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. urged leaders of all African nations receiving U.S. aid to "hold off" on cashing their humanitarian aid checks until after April 17, when the U.S. government is expecting "a whole bunch of money to come in" from 2006 tax returns.

"I know the checks we sent are dated for the 11th, and I'm pretty sure they'll clear anyway, but to be on the safe side, please wait until the 19th or 20th," said Paulson on Tuesday, adding that the U.S. is experiencing an "extremely minor" cash flow problem at present. "The Rand Corporation told us they would hold our check for $7.8 billion until the end of the month, so unless they're being dicks about that, all this probably isn't even a big deal. But you never know."

Paulson added that the Treasury Department "was as caught off guard as anyone" by the fact that tax day is not on April 15 this year.

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