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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day

WASHINGTON, DC—Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. urged leaders of all African nations receiving U.S. aid to "hold off" on cashing their humanitarian aid checks until after April 17, when the U.S. government is expecting "a whole bunch of money to come in" from 2006 tax returns.

"I know the checks we sent are dated for the 11th, and I'm pretty sure they'll clear anyway, but to be on the safe side, please wait until the 19th or 20th," said Paulson on Tuesday, adding that the U.S. is experiencing an "extremely minor" cash flow problem at present. "The Rand Corporation told us they would hold our check for $7.8 billion until the end of the month, so unless they're being dicks about that, all this probably isn't even a big deal. But you never know."

Paulson added that the Treasury Department "was as caught off guard as anyone" by the fact that tax day is not on April 15 this year.

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