U.S. Bedwetters Decide Against Nationwide Awareness-Raising Campaign

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Vol 35 Issue 42

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

WASHINGTON, DC—At 8 p.m. EST next Monday, C-SPAN will air "an important episode no family will want to miss," in which Congress is expected to pass a "very special" constitutional amendment dealing with the touchy issue of alcoholism. The amendment—inspired by the true story of a promising young hockey player whose dreams of a pro career died when his weekend partying spun out of control—will show the shattering effect alcohol has on drinkers and their loved ones, and will end with a toll-free number where victims can get help. "We're used to having a lot of fun with our amendments," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL). "But once in a while, an issue touches us so deeply, we decide to draft an amendment with a message." If passed, the amendment will be available on video in time for the holiday season.

Neglect Of Wife, Children Results In Promotion

NEWARK, NJ—Six years of familial neglect netted longtime Prudential Insurance employee Walt Arness a major promotion to national vice-president of accounting Monday. "Well done, Walt," Prudential CEO Art Ryan said. "For six years, while other employees were busy getting out of work early to see their kids' soccer games and spending Saturdays with their wives, you were tirelessly dedicating yourself to this company. And for that, you will be handsomely rewarded." As part of his new job, Arness will spend 25 weeks a year on the road, supervising accounting operations in Prudential offices across the U.S.

King Ralph Fails To Become Hip Retro Reference

NEW YORK—According to trendwatchers and pop-culture analysts, the 1991 John Goodman comedy King Ralph has failed to emerge as a humorous retro reference. "Despite the lameness and strong kitsch potential of this film, King Ralph is not being sarcastically referenced by wisecracking 18- to 29-year-olds," said Zeitgeist magazine editor Adam D'Amico. "No one is saying things like, 'That guy who owns Sony must be richer than King Ralph,' or, 'Did you hear about Zach's new job? He totally got himself King Ralphed."

Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) declined to answer reporters' questions Monday after a congressional aide discovered him naked and dangling from a ceiling-mounted leather restraining harness in a D.C.-area bondage-fetish dungeon. "Sen. Hatch didn't show up for work, so I went looking for him at an address I saw written down on a scrap of paper on his desk," Hatch aide Alex Gordon said. "Through a massive oak door, I could hear a desperate voice pleading for a 'Mistress Domina' to come back and release him. When I opened the door, I saw the senator, looking exhausted and wearing only a dog collar and nipple clamps." Hatch was brought to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where he was treated for dehydration and third-degree wax burns to his scrotal sac.

Child Unimpressed With Aurora Borealis After Whole Day Of Tekken 3

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—A wide-eyed gaze of childlike wonderment over the incomprehensible majesty of creation was not elicited Monday, when 7-year-old Kenny Meier, son of local high-school science teacher Stan Meier, was unmoved by the Aurora Borealis after spending an estimated 12 hours playing Tekken 3.

Banning ATM Fees

On Nov. 2, voters in San Francisco and Santa Monica approved ordinances banning banks from charging ATM fees to non-customers. In response, several banks in the cities blocked non-customers from using their cash machines. What do you think?
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U.S. Bedwetters Decide Against Nationwide Awareness-Raising Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC–Spokespersons for the National Bedwetters Society announced Monday that the organization will scrap a nationwide campaign intended to "raise awareness of our members' plight" and "put a positive face" on the disorder.

Chairs sit empty at a National Bedwetters Society press conference.

"For years, bedwetters have hidden their heads in shame, frightened that people would find out about their terrible secret," said National Bedwetters Society director Peter Bey. "But after giving it some thought, we decided that we'd like it to stay that way."

In an unaired television spot produced for the campaign, Americans from all walks of life are shown looking into the camera and saying, "I wet the bed," as their names and cities of residence are displayed at the bottom of the screen.

The spot ends with a toll-free number sufferers can call to receive information on support groups in their area, as well as receive hats, T-shirts and bumper stickers proudly proclaiming, "I Urinate In My Sleep."

A National Bedwetters Society ad that was slated to run in <I>Sports Illustrated For Kids</I> before being nixed Monday.

"The ads were supposed to show that bedwetters are regular people just like you and me, and that any of your friends, co-workers or loved ones may have this problem," said Bey, wearing an oversized fedora, sunglasses and a fake moustache. "It was a way for people like me to stand up and say, 'I wet the bed, and I'm not ashamed.' But after giving it some thought, we decided to pass on it."

The campaign, Bey noted, would have also increased bedwetters' awareness of the help currently available to them.

"Unfortunately, few bedwetters realize that there are many places they can turn to for help," Bey said. "A lot of companies offer employees coverage or co-payment on adult diapers, rubber sheets and new mattresses. It's often as simple as asking your departmental head for the proper nocturnal-urination subsidy forms, then filling them out with the assistance of your company's human-resources coordinator and obtaining the voucher signatures of two co-workers."

The National Bedwetters Society had planned to focus on children between the ages of 5 and 14, who make up a large portion of the bedwetting population. A $300,000 "Kid Kampaign" would have sent NBS mascots "Puddles The Pooch" and "Soaky The Salmon" on a tour of elementary and junior-high schools around the nation, performing skits in which Puddles is embarrassed about his bedwetting until Soaky convinces him that "wetter is better."

Young bedwetters would then have been invited to come onstage to sing "I'm A Bedwetter" in front of their classmates. They also would have been given yellow "I'm A Whiz Kid!" bandannas and temporary tattoos to help them overcome the stigma often attached to the condition.

"Our trial run of the skit in eight D.C.-area elementary schools was not as successful as we had hoped," said National Bedwetters Society public-relations director "Steve," who requested that his real name not be used. "Despite our best efforts, we didn't raise the self-esteem of the young bedwetters in the crowd all that much. I guess some esteem is better left unraised."

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