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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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U.S. Bedwetters Decide Against Nationwide Awareness-Raising Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC–Spokespersons for the National Bedwetters Society announced Monday that the organization will scrap a nationwide campaign intended to "raise awareness of our members' plight" and "put a positive face" on the disorder.

Chairs sit empty at a National Bedwetters Society press conference.

"For years, bedwetters have hidden their heads in shame, frightened that people would find out about their terrible secret," said National Bedwetters Society director Peter Bey. "But after giving it some thought, we decided that we'd like it to stay that way."

In an unaired television spot produced for the campaign, Americans from all walks of life are shown looking into the camera and saying, "I wet the bed," as their names and cities of residence are displayed at the bottom of the screen.

The spot ends with a toll-free number sufferers can call to receive information on support groups in their area, as well as receive hats, T-shirts and bumper stickers proudly proclaiming, "I Urinate In My Sleep."

A National Bedwetters Society ad that was slated to run in <I>Sports Illustrated For Kids</I> before being nixed Monday.

"The ads were supposed to show that bedwetters are regular people just like you and me, and that any of your friends, co-workers or loved ones may have this problem," said Bey, wearing an oversized fedora, sunglasses and a fake moustache. "It was a way for people like me to stand up and say, 'I wet the bed, and I'm not ashamed.' But after giving it some thought, we decided to pass on it."

The campaign, Bey noted, would have also increased bedwetters' awareness of the help currently available to them.

"Unfortunately, few bedwetters realize that there are many places they can turn to for help," Bey said. "A lot of companies offer employees coverage or co-payment on adult diapers, rubber sheets and new mattresses. It's often as simple as asking your departmental head for the proper nocturnal-urination subsidy forms, then filling them out with the assistance of your company's human-resources coordinator and obtaining the voucher signatures of two co-workers."

The National Bedwetters Society had planned to focus on children between the ages of 5 and 14, who make up a large portion of the bedwetting population. A $300,000 "Kid Kampaign" would have sent NBS mascots "Puddles The Pooch" and "Soaky The Salmon" on a tour of elementary and junior-high schools around the nation, performing skits in which Puddles is embarrassed about his bedwetting until Soaky convinces him that "wetter is better."

Young bedwetters would then have been invited to come onstage to sing "I'm A Bedwetter" in front of their classmates. They also would have been given yellow "I'm A Whiz Kid!" bandannas and temporary tattoos to help them overcome the stigma often attached to the condition.

"Our trial run of the skit in eight D.C.-area elementary schools was not as successful as we had hoped," said National Bedwetters Society public-relations director "Steve," who requested that his real name not be used. "Despite our best efforts, we didn't raise the self-esteem of the young bedwetters in the crowd all that much. I guess some esteem is better left unraised."

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