U.S. Breaks Off Relations With Chad

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 11

Olympic Speed Skater Thinking About Maybe Taking Out The Garbage

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—U.S. Olympic speed skater Jared Wells, 24, who placed sixth in the 500-meter sprint at last month's Nagano Games, is reportedly thinking about maybe taking out the garbage. "Yeah, those pizza boxes are really starting to pile up there," said Wells, speaking from his living-room couch. "I guess I should take care of that. But first I'm gonna finish building this house made out of Entertainment Weekly subscription-card inserts."

Governor Pardons Self For Living

LANSING, MI—Michigan governor John Engler issued a formal pardon to himself for living Tuesday. "Like, excuse me for living, okay?" read the four-page pardon, which absolves Engler from all culpability in his own existence. "I guess I'm not God. Hope that's okay with everybody." The sneering, sarcastic tone of the gubernatorial pardon is believed to be a reaction to the widespread criticism leveled at Engler in recent weeks, including a Lansing News-Clarion editorial calling him "Governor Lame-o" and a report by Detroit's NBC-TV affiliate suggesting that he "get half a clue." "I am sooo sorry I didn't live up to your expectations," Engler said.

Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup

PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely dented Callisto and Europa Monday, causing an estimated $700 quadrillion in damage. "Apparently, a comet passed within Saturn's orbit just ahead of Callisto," Observatory associate director Charles Rayburn said, "causing Callisto to swerve and lose control, colliding with Europa and creating a pileup which Ganymede struck from behind." None of the three moons were insured.

Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what their grandson does for a living. "We are very proud of our Charles," said Nancy, 82. "Whatever he does in that job of his, I'm sure it's very impressive." Said Walter: "I think what Charles does is make sure companies have enough computers and employees so that they can—oh, I haven't a clue." The couple also has no idea what their granddaughter, Erica Haselrig, a Lodi, NJ, human-resources supervisor, does for a living.

Sudanese Youths Go Wild For Great Taste Of Any Food Whatsoever

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In the biggest fad to sweep Sudan's thrill-seeking teens since 1994's "extreme thirst" craze, youths in this Northeast African nation are going wild for the great taste of any food whatsoever. The new "absolutely anything edible" fad is reflected in current Sudanese youth fashions, dominated by neon-colored, zebra-striped hats and shirts featuring slogans like, "Do you have any food?" and "I am extremely hungry." Sociologist Gavin Werner of Tufts University explained the craze: "For these young people, such fads are a way of setting themselves apart from their parents and forging a generational identity of their own. They are also starving to death and must obtain food if they are to live much longer."

Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

It's True (Or Drew) Love!

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me that Carrey has been spotted about town on the arm of the redheaded woman from that Brooke Shields show. To date, they've gone bowling, eaten pizza–hold the anchovies!–and taken in a movie. Honestly, I can't think of a better match than those two. I mean, can you imagine the jokes? Oh, to be a fly on the wall on one of their dates!

Ask A Wiccan

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection of Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Energy

U.S. Breaks Off Relations With Chad

WASHINGTON, DC—Years of strained U.S.-Chad relations finally came to an end Monday, when President Clinton announced that the U.S. is severing formal diplomatic ties with Chad Ratliff, a 26-year-old Greensboro, NC, cab driver.

President Clinton, flanked by Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, announces the termination of diplomatic ties between the U.S. and Chad Ratliff of Greensboro, NC.

"The decision to break off relations with Chad was a difficult one," Clinton said. "In general, Chad is a good guy. He will help you move, let you borrow his VCR, or whatever. But when he's had a few, you just wish you'd never met him."

The final blow came last Saturday, when the U.S. government and Chad went to a Greensboro-area Bennigan's restaurant to watch an NCAA tournament basketball game. According to Secretary of Transportation Federico Peña, by the game's fourth quarter, Chad had consumed "at least seven Bud Ices" and was "bombed nearly to the point of incoherence."

Chad's late-evening attempts to flirt with the table's waitress, Peña said, were even more embarrassing. "Chad's constant leering and drunken come-ons toward our server, who was wearing a conspicuous engagement ring, upset everyone in attendance," he said.

"America expects a higher standard of conduct from its allies–domestic as well as foreign," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said of the incident. "Chad was just acting completely braindead. [U.S. Senate majority leader] Trent [Lott] had to drive him home that night, then pick him up and drive him back to Bennigan's the next day so he could get his car, causing Trent to miss a key Medicare-reform vote. It's just more trouble than it's worth to be friends with Chad."

With relations severed, the U.S. will no longer offer Chad military or economic aid in the event of a crisis.

Chad

"Last week, when Chad lost his wallet for the third time in two weeks, I approved his request for an emergency appropriation of $4 so that he could do his laundry," Clinton said. "This will not happen again."

"Over the years, the U.S. has allocated a great deal of federal assistance to Chad, ranging from money for cigarettes to rides to the mall," Clinton added. "But this is just nuts."

The incident marks the most severe diplomatic crisis between the U.S. and one of its citizens since 1991, when Congress rescinded Brooklyn, NY, resident Philippe Duclaude's Most-Favored Haitian status.

While most Americans are disappointed to have lost an ally, an ABC News poll indicates that less than one percent of U.S. citizens are concerned that worsening relations between the U.S. and Chad could result in war.

"America would win decisively in a war with Chad," said military expert Al Holt. "We could pretty much just send one guy to go to Chad's house and shoot him. The way he puts 'em back, he'd hardly put up much of a fight. And if we made sure the invasion was after 10 p.m., he'd probably be half in the bag already and pose no serious threat."

When asked for comment, Chad told reporters he is strongly considering cutting down on his drinking. "Dude, I was still drunk when I got up Sunday," he conceded. "I gotta cut that shit out."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More