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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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U.S. Census Announces Those People Will Be Majority By 2043

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Thursday by the U.S. Census Bureau, by the year 2043, the majority of the American population will be composed of those people. “Based on future projections of childbearing, mortality rates, and net international migration, we can safely say that the number of those types in this country will double, if not triple, within the next 30 years,” said report co-author and Census statistical analyst Ken Shefner, adding that as the baby boomer generation begins to die off, Americans can expect to see “more and more of those kinds hanging around every day.” “Going even further forward, we expect the U.S. populace to reach 439 million by 2050, of which approximately 54 percent will be made up of, you know...them. You know who I mean.” Shefner stressed, however, that despite the population shift over the next several decades, Americans should expect no large changes to national policy from the federal government.

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