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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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U.S. Changes Motto To 'America... We're Gonna Make Ya Smile'

WASHINGTON, DC– After a focus group determined "In God We Trust" to be "boring," the U.S. introduced a new motto Monday: "America... We're Gonna Make Ya Smile." "We feel the new motto projects a more playful image for the nation," State Department spokesman Marlon Harris said. "This new slogan tells the world that America Is Fun Country." Harris added that "E Pluribus Unum" will be replaced on all currency with "U.S. Fever–Catch It!"

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