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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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U.S. Charioteer Breaks 2,500-Year-Old Chariot-Race Record Set By Perseus

BEIJING—With just two hundredths of a second to spare, American charioteer Hank Fowler shocked those gathered in the Beijing Hippodrome Wednesday by breaking the four-horse chariot race world record of 5:34.57 set by Perseus in 492 B.C. "I didn't do anything different for this race—I just told myself to go hard right when the Bronze Eagle was raised, make smooth but tight late-apex turns around the embolons, and use the bronze blades on the wheels to kill anyone who got in my way," sad Fowler, adding that it wasn't until the eighth lap of the 12-lap tethrippon that the possibility of breaking Perseus' long-standing mark entered his mind. "When I was heading back west after the final turn around the eastern embolon and I saw people in the Hippodrome rise to their feet, I knew something special was happening." Though Fowler said he didn't expect to set another world record during Friday's two-horse event, ESPN chariot racing expert Hank Goldberg said Fowler has a shot to finish under the 6:23.12 mark set in A.D. 60 by Anglian charioteer Queen Boadicea and matched in 2004 by Germany's Christoph Kolb.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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