adBlockCheck

U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator

A majority of Americans said they wouldn’t mind have an autocratic leader like this, who would make all their decisions for them.
A majority of Americans said they wouldn’t mind have an autocratic leader like this, who would make all their decisions for them.

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll conducted this week, the overwhelming majority of Americans admitted they would actually be fairly interested in having a magnetic, forceful dictator oversee and control all aspects of American society.

Citing the relative simplicity of the citizen’s role in a totalitarian state, the U.S. populace said it could definitely see itself supporting a decisive, iron-willed demagogue, with citizens agreeing that the idea of entrusting all political, economic, social, and military decisions to a single bold despot actually sounded “pretty good” to them.

“When I think about it, submitting my will and personal beliefs to an all-powerful leader doesn’t seem half bad,” said survey respondent Jillian Medrano of Cocoa Beach, FL, who referred to the democratic process as “kind of a hassle.” “I don’t really want to bother with forming opinions about candidates or weighing multiple viewpoints on an issue, so if an egomaniacal autocrat just got up on a balcony and delivered a political message that we all had to support without question, it would make things a lot easier for me.”

Citizens all across the nation agreed that seeing sights such as this on a regular basis might be pretty inspiring.

“There’s just something kind of nice about throwing your hands up and letting a tyrannical demagogue tell you what to do, where to go, and how to think,” Medrano added. “As long as I’m not in one of the ethnic or religious groups he’s arbitrarily chosen to persecute, I think it would actually be pretty cool.”

According to the Pew survey, 71 percent of Americans would be okay with blindly adopting the views and goals of an electrifying military ruler, while 84 percent of citizens admitted they would prefer waiting in line at a set place and time to receive food rations, basic household provisions, and medications from the state instead of having to rely on themselves to choose and procure such necessities.

In addition, 98 percent of U.S. citizens said they would gladly welcome an omnipotent one-party government apparatus that could quickly and effectively deal with societal problems as it saw fit without any input from them whatsoever.

“There’s a streamlined aspect to authoritarianism that’s very appealing to the modern American citizen,” said the director of the University of Chicago’s Sociology department Ellen Ornelas, who went on to explain that time-consuming citizen obligations like jury duty would be made obsolete by totalitarian statehood, which summarily convicts offenders without a trial of their peers. “It’s a comparatively freeing model of civic engagement that requires nothing more than unquestioning obedience to a strong, charismatic leader with an ironclad vision for the future, and today’s U.S. population thinks it’s a style of government they could get behind.”

In addition to the appeal of simply kicking back and relinquishing responsibility to someone else, Americans said there were a number of other added perks associated with installing an authoritarian government. In particular, citizens expressed interest in succumbing to the seductive energy of a cult of personality; adopting a fervent, cohesive sense of national unity; and partaking in the ceremonial grandeur of military parades in which big, shiny missiles would be driven through the streets of major U.S. cities to cries of “Long live our leader!”

Moreover, American citizens claimed they would feel a sense of comfort by seeing photographs, murals, and statues of the dictator in every public space throughout the country, saying that, in a way, it would almost be as if a protective father figure were always watching over them.

While many survey respondents acknowledged that forced labor camps and widespread shortages of electricity would be less than ideal, they affirmed that such negative aspects of the totalitarian regime would be more than offset by the attractive prospect of never again having to make any major decision about their lives.

“All I’m saying is if a dynamic, larger-than-life personality in military regalia seized control of the government and said this is how it’s going to be from now on, I think I’d be up for it,” said Virginia resident Jonathan Bunn, who admitted that learning a few formal salutes and spontaneously crying in joy whenever the leader appeared in public actually sounded “kind of fun.” “It would be a huge load off to just give in to a megalomaniacal despot’s grand, stirring rhetoric and no longer be burdened with having to engage in any critical thought whatsoever. I could definitely get on board with that.”

“I think we should just give an autocratic state a shot for a decade or two and see how it goes,” Bunn added. “It’s not like I vote anyway, so it wouldn’t even be that big a deal.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close