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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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U.S. Cryptographers: 'FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a carefully phrased, 128-bit encoded announcement that has challenged U.S. security agency procedures, top officials of the National Cryptography and Information Security Council warned that "FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn" if "Ha4d-87gH-uiH3-gB5r-g8Bh" late Monday.

"It may be true, as these codemakers have stated here, that our nation faces 'm7Hk-sJkd-jJk73-4osd-m6Kh,'" Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff told reporters in his plaintext response Tuesday. "But in our defense, I would hardly call our situation 'K5jE-Oc4n.'"

The NCISC declined further comment, saying only that its remarks were meant as constructive criticism, and the CIA, NSA, and FBI may have misinterpreted the message.

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