adBlockCheck

U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA–Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.

Negroponte

"The fight against Gates will not be easy, will not be quick, and will not be without enormous cost," said Director Of National Intelligence John D. Negroponte of the new program, which calls for the creation of a new $20 billion counter-philanthropy unit aimed at punishing those countries that accept or use, directly or indirectly, any financial support from the Gates Foundation.

"If they want to use this money to purify a well, we will be there to fill it in with bacteria-infested soil before they get the chance," Negroponte said. "If they want to ensure that millions of children receive immunity shots for typhoid, whooping cough, or diphtheria, we will ensure that country's medicine is never received."

Added Negroponte: "This bill gives us the power to take on these extremists before they create positive global change that will haunt us for generations."

According to congressional testimony, the CIA sees Gates' intention to bring improvements in health and learning to the poorest corners of the world as the most serious threat to American foreign interests since the wave of independence-granting that plagued Africa in the 1960s and '70s.

Children receive the AIDS virus in Zambia.

"Our enemies want to eliminate disease in the Third World, which is exactly why we're creating a $900 million pro-AIDS campaign that makes the deadly disease available to millions of uneducated poor people," said CIA Africa specialist Alberto O'Hara, who briefed the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee Monday. "We're also considering an $800 million food-interception initiative."

A CIA statement outlined phase one of the initiative, dubbed "Freeze And Punish," to be spearheaded by the new counter-philanthropy unit. It will "focus on disrupting the Gates Foundation's international support network by freezing the accounts of countries that attempt to use the financial aid, and then providing small arms to violent rebel movements to fight them." This, combined with the release of over 10 million parasitic Guinea worms into their drinking water, is expected to severely impede Gates' impact on Africa and the rest of the developing world.

The initiative, a rider to a larger defense spending bill signed into law by the President Bush earlier this month, will also create state-of-the-art training facilities for leaders of the struggling nations, which will teach them how to intercept the Gates money and funnel it into buying larger, more opulent presidential estates rather than homes and infrastructure for the poor.

"In the past, people have accused this administration of ignoring the world's poorest nations. That ends today," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We're committed to protecting our interests in every corner of the globe, no matter the cost, and no matter what adversaries we face along the way."

Gates

According to the CIA, the Gates Foundation has spent more than $3 billion on malaria prevention, treatment, and education in the last two years. Even though the U.S. will invest some $9 billion in a mosquito-breeding program, officials say they are most troubled by the fact that much of the foundation's money is directed towards medical infrastructure, which would enable this work to continue for years without additional support.

"The United States Air Force will have complete authorization and financial backing to bomb any site where a hospital could be built or any target harboring known medical operatives," Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita said.

"They're creating a monster," added DiRita, referring specifically to the Gates Foundation's global-health equity program. "If they cure AIDS, malaria, and TB, they're going to have a very hard time getting that Pandora's box closed again."

The new program also targets Gates' international training and youth-outreach programs with the $4 billion "Leave Millions Of Children Behind" plan, an effort to counterfund any school the Gates Foundation opens by providing them with wrong-language textbooks, broken calculators, and asbestos-riddled classrooms.

"Once you educate a population—teach them to read, do math, give them access to the Internet—they can use those skills for the rest of their lives," the CIA's O'Hara said. "We don't know what these people would be capable of if left to their own devices."

"And quite frankly, we don't want to know," O'Hara added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close