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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

WASHINGTON, DC–In an official statement Monday, a spokesman for the American Dental Association announced that it cannot make the teeth of the nation's citizens any goddamn whiter.

ADA president T. Howard Jones.

"As medical professionals, there is a limit to how white we can make your teeth," ADA president T. Howard Jones said. "Using various new tooth-whitening procedures, we can remove the extrinsic staining from your teeth and make them look their absolute whitest. But that's still not enough for you psychos. You need whiter. Well, if you want to go to Mexico and have someone implant a black light in your gums so your teeth glow an unearthly white, go nuts. I'm just telling you what we're medically and legally capable of at this time."

Jones said Americans enjoy a staggering variety of teeth-whitening options, including lasers, gels, bleaches, strips, rinses, pastes, and carbamide-peroxide trays from such makers as Rembrandt, Brite Smile, Perfect Smile, PowerWhite, Rapid White, and Pearl Drops. But despite the seemingly limitless dental-bleaching procedures and products available, Jones said the nation's vain populace is still not satisfied.

"We're not holding anything back, honest," Jones said. "If there was some way to make your teeth whiter, we'd be thrilled to offer it to you and charge you an arm and a leg for it. You're just going to have to come to grips with the fact that your teeth have a slight natural tint. Unless you want us to start painting your teeth with correction fluid, you'll have to accept that cruel fact."

Jones stressed that the ADA has nothing against tooth whitening, noting that most of its 147,000 members offer everything from laser bleaching to porcelain veneers to dental bonding. The typical ADA dentist, however, is irked by customers who come in for routine bleaching and leave disappointed because "their teeth don't inflict retinal damage when you look directly into them."

"Hey, if your teeth are stained or discolored, come on in, and we'll fix you up," Jones said. "Professional teeth bleaching can whiten your teeth upwards of five shades, but once they reach their limit, that's it. You need to stop comparing your teeth to your refrigerator."

Members of the Cohn family of Alpine, NJ, all of whom are dissatisfied with the whiteness of their teeth.

Citizens across the U.S. are expressing confusion over the ADA's defensive tone.

"I don't see why they're getting all huffy," said St. Paul, MN, resident Tamara Wenders, her words garbled by a mouthful of Crest Whitestrips. "They're making a lot of money. I thought dentists wanted us to have clean teeth."

Added Wenders, looking into the mirror: "I think it's working."

According to ADA member Dr. Walter Foti, D.D.S., the national obsession with perfectly white teeth may only be getting started.

"What happens once, at long last, you people get your teeth pure white?" Foti asked. "Will you finally be satisfied? Of course not. Then you'll want clear teeth. You won't rest until your fucking teeth are see-through."

"Look, you want white teeth so damn bad? It's simple," Jones said. "Don't smoke, stay away from coffee, tea, and soda, brush and floss regularly, and go to your dentist every six months. Sure, have your teeth whitened occasionally, but keep in mind that we can only go far as the technology allows. When someone creates a better teeth-whitening procedure, we'll slap an 'ultra' on it and get it out on the market as fast as the FDA allows. Until then, be happy with what you have. Americans really need to learn to live with almost-total perfection."

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