adBlockCheck

U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

WASHINGTON, DC–In an official statement Monday, a spokesman for the American Dental Association announced that it cannot make the teeth of the nation's citizens any goddamn whiter.

ADA president T. Howard Jones.

"As medical professionals, there is a limit to how white we can make your teeth," ADA president T. Howard Jones said. "Using various new tooth-whitening procedures, we can remove the extrinsic staining from your teeth and make them look their absolute whitest. But that's still not enough for you psychos. You need whiter. Well, if you want to go to Mexico and have someone implant a black light in your gums so your teeth glow an unearthly white, go nuts. I'm just telling you what we're medically and legally capable of at this time."

Jones said Americans enjoy a staggering variety of teeth-whitening options, including lasers, gels, bleaches, strips, rinses, pastes, and carbamide-peroxide trays from such makers as Rembrandt, Brite Smile, Perfect Smile, PowerWhite, Rapid White, and Pearl Drops. But despite the seemingly limitless dental-bleaching procedures and products available, Jones said the nation's vain populace is still not satisfied.

"We're not holding anything back, honest," Jones said. "If there was some way to make your teeth whiter, we'd be thrilled to offer it to you and charge you an arm and a leg for it. You're just going to have to come to grips with the fact that your teeth have a slight natural tint. Unless you want us to start painting your teeth with correction fluid, you'll have to accept that cruel fact."

Jones stressed that the ADA has nothing against tooth whitening, noting that most of its 147,000 members offer everything from laser bleaching to porcelain veneers to dental bonding. The typical ADA dentist, however, is irked by customers who come in for routine bleaching and leave disappointed because "their teeth don't inflict retinal damage when you look directly into them."

"Hey, if your teeth are stained or discolored, come on in, and we'll fix you up," Jones said. "Professional teeth bleaching can whiten your teeth upwards of five shades, but once they reach their limit, that's it. You need to stop comparing your teeth to your refrigerator."

Members of the Cohn family of Alpine, NJ, all of whom are dissatisfied with the whiteness of their teeth.

Citizens across the U.S. are expressing confusion over the ADA's defensive tone.

"I don't see why they're getting all huffy," said St. Paul, MN, resident Tamara Wenders, her words garbled by a mouthful of Crest Whitestrips. "They're making a lot of money. I thought dentists wanted us to have clean teeth."

Added Wenders, looking into the mirror: "I think it's working."

According to ADA member Dr. Walter Foti, D.D.S., the national obsession with perfectly white teeth may only be getting started.

"What happens once, at long last, you people get your teeth pure white?" Foti asked. "Will you finally be satisfied? Of course not. Then you'll want clear teeth. You won't rest until your fucking teeth are see-through."

"Look, you want white teeth so damn bad? It's simple," Jones said. "Don't smoke, stay away from coffee, tea, and soda, brush and floss regularly, and go to your dentist every six months. Sure, have your teeth whitened occasionally, but keep in mind that we can only go far as the technology allows. When someone creates a better teeth-whitening procedure, we'll slap an 'ultra' on it and get it out on the market as fast as the FDA allows. Until then, be happy with what you have. Americans really need to learn to live with almost-total perfection."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close