U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

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Vol 39 Issue 15

Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising

BUFORD, PA—Buford's 322 residents, as well as many citizens of surrounding towns, came together over the weekend for a good old-fashioned Arby's raising. "People came from as far away as Lancaster to pitch in," said local delivery-truck driver Jonathan Beckman, 44. "It was a real team effort: Me, Zachary Fordice, and Eli White poured the foundation while old Benjamin Wetzel built the prep-tables, and the womenfolk installed the booths' vinyl seat covers." Beckman said his wife Maryellen "can't wait" to whip up a fresh homemade batch of Arby's famous Horsey Sauce.

Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Three days after burying his beloved labrador retriever, Daniel MacNeil, 9, was told about doggy heaven and hell by his fourth-grade teacher, Sister Doris Behnke. "Don't cry, Daniel. I'm sure Shiner was a very good doggy," Behnke told the mourning child Tuesday. "He's probably in Doggy Heaven right now, running through its big green fields and chasing squirrels. Only disobedient doggies who chew on the furniture or lift their legs on the carpet will burn in the eternal, white-hot kennel fires of Doggy Hell."

Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil

KAMPALA, UGANDA—A day after having his hands amputated by soldiers backing President Yoweri Museveni's brutal regime, Ugandan political prisoner Otobo Ankole expressed regret Monday over Uganda's lack of oil reserves. "I dream of the U.S. one day fighting for the liberation of the oppressed Ugandan people," said Ankole as he nursed his bloody stumps. "But, alas, our number-one natural resource is sugar cane." Ankole, whose wife, parents, and five children were among the 4,000 slaughtered in Uganda's ethnic killings of 2002, then bowed his head and said a prayer for petroleum.

Is Syria Next?

Tensions are rising between the U.S. and Syria, which the Bush Administration has warned against harboring fugitive Saddam loyalists. What do you think?

That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got my irons in a shitload of fires these days. I got this new job running people from the airport to a car-rental place in a little bus. I know it ain't the coolest job in the world, but it keeps my cruising skills sharp, plus I get three weeks' vacation and some insurance. I never thought I'd be one of those old fogies who cared about insurance, but there it is. Don't think I can't still rock, though.

Uday's Pleasure Palace

Last Week, U.S. soldiers toured the remains of Uday Hussein's home, uncovering a lavish palace of sex ands drugs. Among the niceties enjoyed by Saddam's son:
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

WASHINGTON, DC–In an official statement Monday, a spokesman for the American Dental Association announced that it cannot make the teeth of the nation's citizens any goddamn whiter.

ADA president T. Howard Jones.

"As medical professionals, there is a limit to how white we can make your teeth," ADA president T. Howard Jones said. "Using various new tooth-whitening procedures, we can remove the extrinsic staining from your teeth and make them look their absolute whitest. But that's still not enough for you psychos. You need whiter. Well, if you want to go to Mexico and have someone implant a black light in your gums so your teeth glow an unearthly white, go nuts. I'm just telling you what we're medically and legally capable of at this time."

Jones said Americans enjoy a staggering variety of teeth-whitening options, including lasers, gels, bleaches, strips, rinses, pastes, and carbamide-peroxide trays from such makers as Rembrandt, Brite Smile, Perfect Smile, PowerWhite, Rapid White, and Pearl Drops. But despite the seemingly limitless dental-bleaching procedures and products available, Jones said the nation's vain populace is still not satisfied.

"We're not holding anything back, honest," Jones said. "If there was some way to make your teeth whiter, we'd be thrilled to offer it to you and charge you an arm and a leg for it. You're just going to have to come to grips with the fact that your teeth have a slight natural tint. Unless you want us to start painting your teeth with correction fluid, you'll have to accept that cruel fact."

Jones stressed that the ADA has nothing against tooth whitening, noting that most of its 147,000 members offer everything from laser bleaching to porcelain veneers to dental bonding. The typical ADA dentist, however, is irked by customers who come in for routine bleaching and leave disappointed because "their teeth don't inflict retinal damage when you look directly into them."

"Hey, if your teeth are stained or discolored, come on in, and we'll fix you up," Jones said. "Professional teeth bleaching can whiten your teeth upwards of five shades, but once they reach their limit, that's it. You need to stop comparing your teeth to your refrigerator."

Members of the Cohn family of Alpine, NJ, all of whom are dissatisfied with the whiteness of their teeth.

Citizens across the U.S. are expressing confusion over the ADA's defensive tone.

"I don't see why they're getting all huffy," said St. Paul, MN, resident Tamara Wenders, her words garbled by a mouthful of Crest Whitestrips. "They're making a lot of money. I thought dentists wanted us to have clean teeth."

Added Wenders, looking into the mirror: "I think it's working."

According to ADA member Dr. Walter Foti, D.D.S., the national obsession with perfectly white teeth may only be getting started.

"What happens once, at long last, you people get your teeth pure white?" Foti asked. "Will you finally be satisfied? Of course not. Then you'll want clear teeth. You won't rest until your fucking teeth are see-through."

"Look, you want white teeth so damn bad? It's simple," Jones said. "Don't smoke, stay away from coffee, tea, and soda, brush and floss regularly, and go to your dentist every six months. Sure, have your teeth whitened occasionally, but keep in mind that we can only go far as the technology allows. When someone creates a better teeth-whitening procedure, we'll slap an 'ultra' on it and get it out on the market as fast as the FDA allows. Until then, be happy with what you have. Americans really need to learn to live with almost-total perfection."

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