U.S. Department of Education Study Reveals Seniors Rule

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Vol 30 Issue 04

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard."

'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said.

Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs.

I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

U.S. Department of Education Study Reveals Seniors Rule

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Education released the results of an exhaustive three-year study of American secondary schools Monday, announcing that seniors rule.

Seniors Rule graph

"When we began this study, we were anticipating the worst—rumor and public hysteria had us expecting to find violence, drug use and rampant teen pregnancy inside the walls of the country's high schools," said Simon Brennan, a Department of Education spokesperson. "Imagine our relief, then, when the central finding of three years worth of research turned out to be that seniors just totally rule the school."

Brennan's team cited the senior class' remarkable solidarity as a primary contributor to its ruling status.

"Many of the seniors indicated their intention to remain 'Friends forever,' a remarkable sentiment considering that life might take them down many diverging paths," Brennan said. "It's good to know that these young people won't slowly lose touch with one another as the long months and years grind by."

Brennan also cited the seniors' commitment to efficient communication, best summed up in the recurring slogan, "Call me this summer—you better!"

Evidence that seniors rule was visible in every aspect of scholastic life.

According to a just-released Department of Education study, U.S. high school seniors totally rule the school.

"Their possession of the School Spirit Staff, which they were awarded in fair competition, is an important but often overlooked factor," Brennan said. "They could not have the Spirit Staff unless they possessed a great deal of school spirit. School spirit rules."

"In addition, they painted their class year on the hill out in back of the football field," U.S. Secretary of Education Roland Peters said. "That rules, and by association, so do the seniors."

In addition to its findings regarding seniors, the government survey also took an in-depth look at high-school juniors and underclassmen.

"Our findings indicate that those in lower grades do not rule," Department of Education study coordinator Mary Greiver said. "At best, the juniors may occasionally rock."

Despite the less-than-cool status of underclassmen, Greiver and others who conducted the study oppose giving them federal aid.

"Time will solve their problems, as they will eventually become seniors themselves," he said. "Except for the freshmen, who appear to be so gay that they likely will not even rule when it is their turn to do so."

Brennan added that freshman Richard Steed is a notable exception, predicted by most education experts one day to become "the shit."

Secretary Peters echoed Greiver's opposition to federal aid for the nation's underclassmen, contending that such funding would be better spent elsewhere.

"The Department of Education has allocated $240 million, with an additional $50 million soon to be approved by Congress, for the senior class to rent big white limousines during graduation week," Peters said. "We believe this would be the best use for these funds, because they just rule."

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