adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Department of Education Study Reveals Seniors Rule

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Education released the results of an exhaustive three-year study of American secondary schools Monday, announcing that seniors rule.

Seniors Rule graph

"When we began this study, we were anticipating the worst—rumor and public hysteria had us expecting to find violence, drug use and rampant teen pregnancy inside the walls of the country's high schools," said Simon Brennan, a Department of Education spokesperson. "Imagine our relief, then, when the central finding of three years worth of research turned out to be that seniors just totally rule the school."

Brennan's team cited the senior class' remarkable solidarity as a primary contributor to its ruling status.

"Many of the seniors indicated their intention to remain 'Friends forever,' a remarkable sentiment considering that life might take them down many diverging paths," Brennan said. "It's good to know that these young people won't slowly lose touch with one another as the long months and years grind by."

Brennan also cited the seniors' commitment to efficient communication, best summed up in the recurring slogan, "Call me this summer—you better!"

Evidence that seniors rule was visible in every aspect of scholastic life.

According to a just-released Department of Education study, U.S. high school seniors totally rule the school.

"Their possession of the School Spirit Staff, which they were awarded in fair competition, is an important but often overlooked factor," Brennan said. "They could not have the Spirit Staff unless they possessed a great deal of school spirit. School spirit rules."

"In addition, they painted their class year on the hill out in back of the football field," U.S. Secretary of Education Roland Peters said. "That rules, and by association, so do the seniors."

In addition to its findings regarding seniors, the government survey also took an in-depth look at high-school juniors and underclassmen.

"Our findings indicate that those in lower grades do not rule," Department of Education study coordinator Mary Greiver said. "At best, the juniors may occasionally rock."

Despite the less-than-cool status of underclassmen, Greiver and others who conducted the study oppose giving them federal aid.

"Time will solve their problems, as they will eventually become seniors themselves," he said. "Except for the freshmen, who appear to be so gay that they likely will not even rule when it is their turn to do so."

Brennan added that freshman Richard Steed is a notable exception, predicted by most education experts one day to become "the shit."

Secretary Peters echoed Greiver's opposition to federal aid for the nation's underclassmen, contending that such funding would be better spent elsewhere.

"The Department of Education has allocated $240 million, with an additional $50 million soon to be approved by Congress, for the senior class to rent big white limousines during graduation week," Peters said. "We believe this would be the best use for these funds, because they just rule."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close