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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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U.S. Department Of Self-Help Names New National Support Person

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Secretary of Self-Help Edward Wiersma named best-selling author and noted empowerment expert Dr. Nancy Weeks, Ph.D., the new National Support Person.

Self-Help Secretary Edward Wiersma and newly appointed National Support Person Dr. Nancy Weeks, who is there for all Americans.

"Whether struggling to overcome alcohol addiction, working to improve anger-management skills, or simply trying to build more fulfilling relationships, Americans should feel free to approach Nancy for guidance and support," Wiersma said. "U.S. citizens should think of her as their federally designated recovery resource."

Addressing the Washington press corps for the first time, Weeks expressed hope that Americans will feel comfortable coming to see her.

"As a breast-cancer survivor, I know how important it is to have someone there for you when you're going through rough times," said Weeks, who spent more than 20 years under the tutelage of renowned hug therapist Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "That's why I hope people won't be shy about seeking me out: When you're trying to beat depression, get over the loss of a loved one, or cope with menopause, knowing you're not alone can make all the difference."

Weeks said she plans to lobby Congress to allocate $420 million for national awareness-raising. She also called upon all Americans to be their own best friend.

"While I can certainly be of help, ultimately, it all comes down to self-respect, self-love," said Weeks, author of Just Say Know: The 10-Week Path To Discovering You. "Remember: Wherever you go, there you are."

Weeks said she generally goes to bed around midnight and urged U.S. citizens to call anytime up until then.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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