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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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U.S. Department Of Self-Help Names New National Support Person

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Secretary of Self-Help Edward Wiersma named best-selling author and noted empowerment expert Dr. Nancy Weeks, Ph.D., the new National Support Person.

Self-Help Secretary Edward Wiersma and newly appointed National Support Person Dr. Nancy Weeks, who is there for all Americans.

"Whether struggling to overcome alcohol addiction, working to improve anger-management skills, or simply trying to build more fulfilling relationships, Americans should feel free to approach Nancy for guidance and support," Wiersma said. "U.S. citizens should think of her as their federally designated recovery resource."

Addressing the Washington press corps for the first time, Weeks expressed hope that Americans will feel comfortable coming to see her.

"As a breast-cancer survivor, I know how important it is to have someone there for you when you're going through rough times," said Weeks, who spent more than 20 years under the tutelage of renowned hug therapist Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "That's why I hope people won't be shy about seeking me out: When you're trying to beat depression, get over the loss of a loved one, or cope with menopause, knowing you're not alone can make all the difference."

Weeks said she plans to lobby Congress to allocate $420 million for national awareness-raising. She also called upon all Americans to be their own best friend.

"While I can certainly be of help, ultimately, it all comes down to self-respect, self-love," said Weeks, author of Just Say Know: The 10-Week Path To Discovering You. "Remember: Wherever you go, there you are."

Weeks said she generally goes to bed around midnight and urged U.S. citizens to call anytime up until then.

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