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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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U.S. Department Of Self-Help Names New National Support Person

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Secretary of Self-Help Edward Wiersma named best-selling author and noted empowerment expert Dr. Nancy Weeks, Ph.D., the new National Support Person.

Self-Help Secretary Edward Wiersma and newly appointed National Support Person Dr. Nancy Weeks, who is there for all Americans.

"Whether struggling to overcome alcohol addiction, working to improve anger-management skills, or simply trying to build more fulfilling relationships, Americans should feel free to approach Nancy for guidance and support," Wiersma said. "U.S. citizens should think of her as their federally designated recovery resource."

Addressing the Washington press corps for the first time, Weeks expressed hope that Americans will feel comfortable coming to see her.

"As a breast-cancer survivor, I know how important it is to have someone there for you when you're going through rough times," said Weeks, who spent more than 20 years under the tutelage of renowned hug therapist Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "That's why I hope people won't be shy about seeking me out: When you're trying to beat depression, get over the loss of a loved one, or cope with menopause, knowing you're not alone can make all the difference."

Weeks said she plans to lobby Congress to allocate $420 million for national awareness-raising. She also called upon all Americans to be their own best friend.

"While I can certainly be of help, ultimately, it all comes down to self-respect, self-love," said Weeks, author of Just Say Know: The 10-Week Path To Discovering You. "Remember: Wherever you go, there you are."

Weeks said she generally goes to bed around midnight and urged U.S. citizens to call anytime up until then.

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