adBlockCheck

Politics

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Department Of Self-Help Names New National Support Person

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Secretary of Self-Help Edward Wiersma named best-selling author and noted empowerment expert Dr. Nancy Weeks, Ph.D., the new National Support Person.

Self-Help Secretary Edward Wiersma and newly appointed National Support Person Dr. Nancy Weeks, who is there for all Americans.

"Whether struggling to overcome alcohol addiction, working to improve anger-management skills, or simply trying to build more fulfilling relationships, Americans should feel free to approach Nancy for guidance and support," Wiersma said. "U.S. citizens should think of her as their federally designated recovery resource."

Addressing the Washington press corps for the first time, Weeks expressed hope that Americans will feel comfortable coming to see her.

"As a breast-cancer survivor, I know how important it is to have someone there for you when you're going through rough times," said Weeks, who spent more than 20 years under the tutelage of renowned hug therapist Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "That's why I hope people won't be shy about seeking me out: When you're trying to beat depression, get over the loss of a loved one, or cope with menopause, knowing you're not alone can make all the difference."

Weeks said she plans to lobby Congress to allocate $420 million for national awareness-raising. She also called upon all Americans to be their own best friend.

"While I can certainly be of help, ultimately, it all comes down to self-respect, self-love," said Weeks, author of Just Say Know: The 10-Week Path To Discovering You. "Remember: Wherever you go, there you are."

Weeks said she generally goes to bed around midnight and urged U.S. citizens to call anytime up until then.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close