U.S. Dignity Reserves Nearly Depleted

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

U.S. Dignity Reserves Nearly Depleted

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Pride and Self-Worth, the nation's dignity reserves stand at an all-time low, and emergency dignity reservoirs may have to be tapped as soon as next month. "America is in the midst of a dignity crisis the likes of which it has never seen," said DPSW Secretary Bruce Collins, eating a bag of Taco Bell Steak Gorditas and wearing a "Show Me The Money!" T-shirt. "Over the past decade, the number of Americans with no shame whatsoever has gone through the roof."