U.S. Disc Jockey General Urges Americans To Get The Led Out

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Disc Jockey General Urges Americans To Get The Led Out

U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel recommends a double shot of Page, Plant, Jones, and Bonham every weekday on the All-Request Electric Lunch.
U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel recommends a double shot of Page, Plant, Jones, and Bonham every weekday on the All-Request Electric Lunch.

WASHINGTON—Citing “troubling” statistics revealing that the vast majority of Americans are not receiving all rock all the time, U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel urged citizens nationwide Tuesday to get the Led out.

The 43-year-old baritone government official, whose press conference was punctuated at several points by enthusiastic listener call-ins, stressed the importance of listening to Led Zeppelin every Power Play Weekday, and called on all Americans to crank up the classic rock at work, at home, or in the car.

“This is The Wolf coming at you live with an important announcement,” said the Disc Jockey General, beginning his remarks as the closing strains of Starship’s “We Built This City” faded out behind him. “According to the latest Oz 106 listener survey, a shocking nine out of every 10 U.S. citizens are not receiving their daily dose of Zeppelin, with many going weeks at a time without being properly rocked by immortal tunes such as ‘Whole Lotta Love’ and ‘Ramble On.’”

“That’s why we’re recommending all men, women, and children age 12 and older get at least one nonstop rock block every day featuring classic tracks from Houses Of The Holy or Led Zeppelin IV,” Haskel continued. “It’s important that all Americans receive more rock and less talk immediately.”

The Disc Jockey General then reportedly uttered his signature phrase “Rock it to me!” before pressing a button on his podium triggering a loud air horn sound effect.

While Haskel encouraged Americans to get the Led out by tuning in to Quittin’ Time Classics each Friday for all the greatest bands from A to Zep, he also noted that citizens could simply call in during the All-Request Electric Lunch, which serves up all your favorite hard-rock hits to get you through your workday.

“While most people may want to ease in with a classic like ‘Stairway,’ we recommend steadily increasing your dosage of Zeppelin over time to deep cuts, B-sides, and any extended live material from the The Song Remains The Same,” said Haskel, who noted aloud at numerous points throughout his address that the assembled press corps was “listening to The Wolf.” “And we cannot stress enough how important it is that all Americans receive crucial double shots of Page, Plant, Bonham, and Jones every Twofer Tuesday. Oh, yeah!”

The Wolf, a longtime advocate of 50 minutes of music every hour, was appointed by President Obama to the highest post of the U.S. Disc Jockey Commissioned Corps in 2009. After surviving a tense Senate confirmation hearing that was nearly derailed by his controversial opposition to the three-minute radio-edit version of “Fool In The Rain”—a position that stood in sharp contrast to the policy of the previous Disc Jockey General—the nation’s leading classic rock official has made monster riffs a top priority during his tenure in office and has been an outspoken supporter of the greatest hits from the ’60s straight through to today.

In addition to imploring the nation to get the Led out Tuesday, The Wolf also called for more Stones, more Doors, and more Floyd, noting that there was “nothing light about this rock.”

Emphasizing the need for Americans to keep their radio locked in on their home for the best classic rock variety, Haskel also reminded the nation to “take a ‘Slow Ride’ on down to Benny’s Bar and Grill” this Saturday, where citizens could meet Foghat’s own Roger Earl and have a chance to take home a 2013 Harley Davidson Forty-Eight.

Aides confirmed the event would include free bumper stickers as well as balloons for the kids, all aimed at raising awareness of rock and roll for people who are serious about rock and roll.

“The latest research clearly shows how important it is that every American receive more music and hits that just keep on coming, especially during the crucial weekday drive time,” said Haskel, citing a recent comprehensive report by noted rock authorities Bernie and Gooch in the Morning. “And as the nation’s Disc Jockey General, I vow to continue working to ensure that every citizen of this country gets the best commercial-free rock around the clock.”

“And now here’s Pete with traffic and weather together,” Haskel added before stepping down from the lectern.

The Office of the U.S. Disc Jockey General has set up a toll-free number (866-555-Z106) for those seeking more information on getting the Led out, with the 15th caller receiving free tickets to see Robert Plant live at the Palladium on June 20.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close