adBlockCheck

U.S. Disc Jockey General Urges Americans To Get The Led Out

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Disc Jockey General Urges Americans To Get The Led Out

U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel recommends a double shot of Page, Plant, Jones, and Bonham every weekday on the All-Request Electric Lunch.
U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel recommends a double shot of Page, Plant, Jones, and Bonham every weekday on the All-Request Electric Lunch.

WASHINGTON—Citing “troubling” statistics revealing that the vast majority of Americans are not receiving all rock all the time, U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel urged citizens nationwide Tuesday to get the Led out.

The 43-year-old baritone government official, whose press conference was punctuated at several points by enthusiastic listener call-ins, stressed the importance of listening to Led Zeppelin every Power Play Weekday, and called on all Americans to crank up the classic rock at work, at home, or in the car.

“This is The Wolf coming at you live with an important announcement,” said the Disc Jockey General, beginning his remarks as the closing strains of Starship’s “We Built This City” faded out behind him. “According to the latest Oz 106 listener survey, a shocking nine out of every 10 U.S. citizens are not receiving their daily dose of Zeppelin, with many going weeks at a time without being properly rocked by immortal tunes such as ‘Whole Lotta Love’ and ‘Ramble On.’”

“That’s why we’re recommending all men, women, and children age 12 and older get at least one nonstop rock block every day featuring classic tracks from Houses Of The Holy or Led Zeppelin IV,” Haskel continued. “It’s important that all Americans receive more rock and less talk immediately.”

The Disc Jockey General then reportedly uttered his signature phrase “Rock it to me!” before pressing a button on his podium triggering a loud air horn sound effect.

While Haskel encouraged Americans to get the Led out by tuning in to Quittin’ Time Classics each Friday for all the greatest bands from A to Zep, he also noted that citizens could simply call in during the All-Request Electric Lunch, which serves up all your favorite hard-rock hits to get you through your workday.

“While most people may want to ease in with a classic like ‘Stairway,’ we recommend steadily increasing your dosage of Zeppelin over time to deep cuts, B-sides, and any extended live material from the The Song Remains The Same,” said Haskel, who noted aloud at numerous points throughout his address that the assembled press corps was “listening to The Wolf.” “And we cannot stress enough how important it is that all Americans receive crucial double shots of Page, Plant, Bonham, and Jones every Twofer Tuesday. Oh, yeah!”

The Wolf, a longtime advocate of 50 minutes of music every hour, was appointed by President Obama to the highest post of the U.S. Disc Jockey Commissioned Corps in 2009. After surviving a tense Senate confirmation hearing that was nearly derailed by his controversial opposition to the three-minute radio-edit version of “Fool In The Rain”—a position that stood in sharp contrast to the policy of the previous Disc Jockey General—the nation’s leading classic rock official has made monster riffs a top priority during his tenure in office and has been an outspoken supporter of the greatest hits from the ’60s straight through to today.

In addition to imploring the nation to get the Led out Tuesday, The Wolf also called for more Stones, more Doors, and more Floyd, noting that there was “nothing light about this rock.”

Emphasizing the need for Americans to keep their radio locked in on their home for the best classic rock variety, Haskel also reminded the nation to “take a ‘Slow Ride’ on down to Benny’s Bar and Grill” this Saturday, where citizens could meet Foghat’s own Roger Earl and have a chance to take home a 2013 Harley Davidson Forty-Eight.

Aides confirmed the event would include free bumper stickers as well as balloons for the kids, all aimed at raising awareness of rock and roll for people who are serious about rock and roll.

“The latest research clearly shows how important it is that every American receive more music and hits that just keep on coming, especially during the crucial weekday drive time,” said Haskel, citing a recent comprehensive report by noted rock authorities Bernie and Gooch in the Morning. “And as the nation’s Disc Jockey General, I vow to continue working to ensure that every citizen of this country gets the best commercial-free rock around the clock.”

“And now here’s Pete with traffic and weather together,” Haskel added before stepping down from the lectern.

The Office of the U.S. Disc Jockey General has set up a toll-free number (866-555-Z106) for those seeking more information on getting the Led out, with the 15th caller receiving free tickets to see Robert Plant live at the Palladium on June 20.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close