U.S. Dollar Slips Against Canadian Acorn

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Dollar Slips Against Canadian Acorn

NEW YORK—The U.S. dollar touched a one-month low against the Canadian acorn Monday, continuing a downward trend that began in 2004 with the announcement of the imminent retirement of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and increasing inflation worries among investors.

At the close of trading Monday, the Canadian acorn bought USD $1.1660, up from $1.1593 Friday.

Although the value of the U.S. dollar has fallen steadily against the Lithuanian nail and the Estonian crab apple since early this year, many financial experts had predicted that it would hold its own against the acorn.

"The inedible dollar simply does not offer the same long-term security or short-term benefits as the acorn," said James Aucker of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission. "It is even falling against the Costa Rican pocket, the Latvian thimble, and the German Kinder Surprise Egg, which combines delicious chocolate with a fun, easy-to-assemble toy."

The acorn, a symbol of Canadian lumber futures, is a stable commodity rich in calcium, phosphorus, potassium, and niacin. Patient investors who bury their holdings generally see their investments increased tenfold in the form of great oaks that live for hundreds of years and provide a rich return in acorns.

In comparison to the acorn, the dollar is volatile, its value dependent on such relative intangibles as the unpredictable U.S. stock market. According to Aucker, irresponsible domestic trading has hurt the dollar's image in the foreign exchange market.

"The U.S. dollar is often traded for the lottery ticket, an even more worthless paper investment whose chances for any monetary return at all is close to zero," Aucker said. "This frivolous spending, combined with the fact that the trade deficit has skyrocketed with the abandonment of the U.S. export industry, has devalued the dollar in the eyes of the foreign investor."

Greenspan, however, defended the strength of the dollar, saying the acorn will adjust during the fall foraging months.

"When millions of ripe acorns fall from the trees, we'll see their value decline sharply," Greenspan said. "It will depreciate even more when squirrels begin hibernating, flooding the supply and triggering possible inflation."

Morningstar investment adviser Kimberly Levine dissuaded investors from taking part in the "acorn bubble."

"Though it seems reliable, the world acorn capital fluctuates with the turn of every new fiscal season," Levine said. "And besides, acorns taste terrible, even after they're roasted."

Despite the dollar's ongoing depreciation, it has still made significant gains on Congolese human life, which after late trading dropped to U.S. $1.2826.

Finance Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close