U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 24

Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker: My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn? —Stump...

Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

Pet Eligibles

Maggie, a six-year old Australian Shepherd mix, has an unbelievable tongue that's eager to lick gravy off anything; maybe even you! Loves kids. Max, a three-year-old tabby, was given up recently by his owner. Perfect for medical experiments requiring animals with iron constitutions and high pain thresholds.

My Seed Is Pure

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure! I have come to assume my dominant position in this farm community due to the high quality and timely delivery of my seed. ...

Sports

Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S. Drug Czar Richard B. McTaggart, the nation’s Commander in Chief in the War on Drugs, held a press conference yesterday to announce he is “higher than hell” after smoking marijuana with some friends.

McTaggart, who appeared calm as he addressed reporters and the American public at large, promised he will continue the fulfillment of his duties as U.S. Drug Czar. He stressed the U.S. must wage war on illegal narcotics everywhere and vowed to start directly attacking the problem “maybe later today, when I’m not so fucking baked.”

McTaggart, appointed by President Clinton in 1992 to replace former Drug Czar William Bennett, has been a tireless advocate for the “three strikes and you’re out” policy for drug users. He also spearheaded the recent campaign to suspend Fourth Amendment rights for drug dealers, allowing police officers to seize their property without a warrant.

Commented McTaggart: “The colors, man. Look at the colors.”

According to leading DEA officials, in 1996, more Americans than ever are using drugs, and arrests resulting from drug-related offenses have more than tripled since just 15 years ago.

When asked how he plans to attack such an enormous, daunting problem, McTaggart said, “Please, stop. You’re making my head hurt. I can’t even think about all that crap right now.”

In his quest to stem the tide of drugs, McTaggart is demanding at least $40 million in increased federal aid for drug prevention and awareness programs, tougher jail sentences for repeat offenders, and a large bag of tortilla chips.

“I’ve got a serious case of the munchies,” McTaggart said. “Just as soon as I get some food in me I am confident we can take some major strides toward decreasing the use of illegal substances in the U.S.”

President Clinton came to the Drug Czar’s defense in a statement to the press issued by the White House. “Mr. McTaggart has been a bold and effective leader in America’s ongoing war on drugs, but right now he’s clearly a little high,” Clinton said. “I am fully confident that if we leave him alone for a while, and maybe let him take a long nap, he will come back fully restored to once again combat the scourge of narcotics ravaging our nation.”

Clinton also urged all Americans to “be mellow” in the presence of the Drug Czar.

McTaggart thanked Clinton for his words of support, but countered that he was not merely a little high, but in fact “fried out of my gourd.”

Sources close to McTaggart say he may be even higher now than last weekend, when he smoked some pot before seeing a movie with a friend. “The Postmaster General and I pulled four or five bongers apiece before seeing Independence Day,” McTaggart recalled. “I don’t even remember how we got to the theater. We were high—but not half as high as I am at this moment.”

Despite his current condition, McTaggart urged all young Americans not to not follow his example, and to stay off drugs.

“I pray that America’s children stay away from this narcotic,” McTaggart said. “But if you aren’t going to listen to my warning, or are coerced by drug dealers, I urge you to find some of the good stuff, like Northern Lights or Humboldt homegrown. It’s more expensive, but the results are incredible.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More