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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S. Drug Czar Richard B. McTaggart, the nation’s Commander in Chief in the War on Drugs, held a press conference yesterday to announce he is “higher than hell” after smoking marijuana with some friends.

McTaggart, who appeared calm as he addressed reporters and the American public at large, promised he will continue the fulfillment of his duties as U.S. Drug Czar. He stressed the U.S. must wage war on illegal narcotics everywhere and vowed to start directly attacking the problem “maybe later today, when I’m not so fucking baked.”

McTaggart, appointed by President Clinton in 1992 to replace former Drug Czar William Bennett, has been a tireless advocate for the “three strikes and you’re out” policy for drug users. He also spearheaded the recent campaign to suspend Fourth Amendment rights for drug dealers, allowing police officers to seize their property without a warrant.

Commented McTaggart: “The colors, man. Look at the colors.”

According to leading DEA officials, in 1996, more Americans than ever are using drugs, and arrests resulting from drug-related offenses have more than tripled since just 15 years ago.

When asked how he plans to attack such an enormous, daunting problem, McTaggart said, “Please, stop. You’re making my head hurt. I can’t even think about all that crap right now.”

In his quest to stem the tide of drugs, McTaggart is demanding at least $40 million in increased federal aid for drug prevention and awareness programs, tougher jail sentences for repeat offenders, and a large bag of tortilla chips.

“I’ve got a serious case of the munchies,” McTaggart said. “Just as soon as I get some food in me I am confident we can take some major strides toward decreasing the use of illegal substances in the U.S.”

President Clinton came to the Drug Czar’s defense in a statement to the press issued by the White House. “Mr. McTaggart has been a bold and effective leader in America’s ongoing war on drugs, but right now he’s clearly a little high,” Clinton said. “I am fully confident that if we leave him alone for a while, and maybe let him take a long nap, he will come back fully restored to once again combat the scourge of narcotics ravaging our nation.”

Clinton also urged all Americans to “be mellow” in the presence of the Drug Czar.

McTaggart thanked Clinton for his words of support, but countered that he was not merely a little high, but in fact “fried out of my gourd.”

Sources close to McTaggart say he may be even higher now than last weekend, when he smoked some pot before seeing a movie with a friend. “The Postmaster General and I pulled four or five bongers apiece before seeing Independence Day,” McTaggart recalled. “I don’t even remember how we got to the theater. We were high—but not half as high as I am at this moment.”

Despite his current condition, McTaggart urged all young Americans not to not follow his example, and to stay off drugs.

“I pray that America’s children stay away from this narcotic,” McTaggart said. “But if you aren’t going to listen to my warning, or are coerced by drug dealers, I urge you to find some of the good stuff, like Northern Lights or Humboldt homegrown. It’s more expensive, but the results are incredible.”

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