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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama

WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, the nation's economy is still going strong in its efforts to secure him the highest office in the land. Through its trifecta of moribund housing prices, a wildly fluctuating stock market, and an unprecedented credit crisis, the U.S. economy helped propel Obama past rival John McCain in polls leading up to the Nov. 4 election—a helpful boost the nation's financial system has since supplemented with the imminent collapse of the Big Three auto manufacturers and looming fears of a long-term depression. "Thanks to the disastrous efforts of our economy, Obama would be virtually unbeatable were he to run again in December or January," CNN political analyst Pat Harris said. "According to the most recent data, Obama's edge continues to grow among those who just lost their jobs and have no idea how they're going to feed their children, as well as among citizens who are freezing to death on the streets at this very moment." The outspoken U.S. economy, which has already been campaigning for months in Iceland and South America, reportedly plans to spend the next 10 to 15 years spreading its message to every single country on the globe.

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