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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption

WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption. “If Cuba is to thrive on the global stage, it must end its autocratic abuses of power, and hold free and fair elections to determine which officials will ultimately siphon off public resources for their own personal gain,” said Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Wendy Sherman, who called on Cuba’s communist regime to cede some political control and let opposition parties play a greater role in its shady backroom dealings and systems of graft. “We recognize that change will not happen overnight, but by allowing influence-peddling, kickbacks, and the misappropriation of funds to be controlled by elected representatives of the people, Cuba will earn the world’s trust and respect. It’s time for Cuba to embrace the same dishonest, nominally democratic form of government that all of its neighbors have.” Sherman went on to express the administration’s hopes for a future in which Cuba will regularly conduct transparent elections bought and paid for by powerful corporate interests.

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