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U.S. Fat Reserves Full

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Government

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space Station as part of a high-level fact-finding mission, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly found himself forced to jettison two Russian henchmen from an airlock Monday after being set upon by the thugs in an ambush that resulted in a violent zero-gravity struggle to the death.

CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says

WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.

How Firearm Background Checks Work

With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America

City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.

Vilsack Stays Up All Night With Sick Corn Plant

WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday.
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Government

U.S. Fat Reserves Full

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep pace with the fat-storage needs of an increasingly prosperous, inactive and consumptive American populace, the nation's 140,000 federal fat-reserve tanks are in danger of bursting their seams and discharging several billion gallons of clotted human fat into sensitive ecosystems across the U.S., Department of the Interior officials said Monday.

A worker at a federal fat-storage facility in Knoxville, TN, monitors tanks overflowing with human fat. The government is urging Americans to try to fit a little more fat on their bodies until the crisis passes and room can be made in the system.

"On Wednesday, Sept. 17, at 11:23 a.m. EST, the federal fat reserves reached their official absolute design limit," Deputy Interior Secretary Richard Rominger said. "A crisis state now exists during which the Department of the Interior will operate its fat-pipeline and tank-storage units under emergency conditions only."

The fat reserves, estimated to hold 230 billion gallons of excess U.S. lipids, adipose tissue and cellulite, have now been packed into triple-hulled steel tanks at up to four times standard pressure, seriously threatening the structural integrity of the system. Federal fat-management personnel, using computer flab-flow monitoring systems, project that the reserves will suffer at least one major rupture in the next three months. Further, almost all of the tanks have experienced overflow conditions ranging from minor lard seepage to explosive catastrophic weld failure.

"What we're dealing with here is a simple but dangerous overpressure problem," said James Soto, a federal fat dynamicist. "The tanks in question are reinforced, three-bulkhead solid/liquid fat-scavenging designs made of roll-tempered high-tungsten steel, feeding off a centrifugal fat-recovery slurry turbine. But some of them are over 30 years old, and we've packed them with raw, semi-solid human-obesity by-products at pressures nearing 13 fatmospheric units. That's 13 times the pressure found in the stomach region of your average 300-pound man."

Until the crisis passes and more room can be made in the tanks, the government is urging Americans to try to fit a little more weight on their frames.

"If everyone could just squeeze on three or four extra pounds—whether it be in the thighs, the hips or even, in some extreme cases, the ankles and wrists—it would tremendously help relieve the strain on our badly overtaxed national fat reserves," Rominger said. "We realize that most Americans are already doing their part, carrying as much fat as humanly possible, but this truly is an emergency situation."

A heron struggles to free itself from a fat slick in the Florida Everglades.

"Again, I want to stress," Rominger said, "we are not asking Americans to lose weight. We're simply asking them to carry around a few extra pounds until the system is up and running again."

The Federal Fat Reserve system was established by an act of Congress in September 1965, after a government study projected that Americans would run out of fat-storage space on their bodies by 1980. Originally designed as a network of pipelines and storage tanks with an initial nominal volume of 43 million barrels, the system has been upgraded numerous times over the past three decades, reaching an upper limit of 775 million barrels in 1992.

"Unfortunately, a number of recent American lifestyle trends, including super-sizing, an expanded offering of cable TV channels, and the new, even more delicious taste of Jennie-O brand breakfast sausages, have placed an unbelievable strain on our nation's fat reserves," Rominger said. "The U.S. girth rate has been so explosive, it's been almost impossible for our storage facilities to keep up. To give you an idea of what we're talking about, in the past five years, the national pant size has soared from 36 to a whopping 48."

Exacerbating the current crisis, some of the most overburdened fat tanks are situated near ecologically sensitive areas such as the New England shoreline, Lake Charles in Louisiana, and the headwater region of the Mississippi River, just north of St. Paul, MN.

The Department of the Interior wishes to avoid incidents such as the infamous Cleveland Fat Disaster of 1983, in which 24 people lost their lives and hundreds more were injured when a tanker hit and ruptured an underwater fatline in Lake Erie. The rupture caused a 17 million gallon fat spill, coating the Cleveland harbor in an 18-inch layer of human suet which subsequently caught fire and caused $40 million in damage to the city's downtown.

At least one ecosystem has already felt the effects of the current crisis. Some 250 fat-holding tanks in South Florida suffered total structural failure Tuesday, flooding the Everglades with streams of glistening, pink, basketball-sized lumps of lard drained from the bodies of some 40,000 buffet-going Pompano Beach retirees. At least 15 Everglades species, including the Florida crested tern and the swath-bellied kingsnake, are in danger of extinction as a result of the floating chunks of slowly decomposing necrotic flab.

"The disappearance of species from our planet and the wholesale destruction of our ecosystems is only the beginning," said Raymond Thorne, director of Florida's Department of Conservation. "If the U.S. government doesn't start getting serious about expanding federal fat reserves now, the American people themselves may one day suffer, forced to ease up on the ham-and-cheese omelettes, Pringles potato chips, juicy prime rib, and rich, creme-filled pastries that no person should ever have to live without."

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