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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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U.S. Forces Take Over Key Afghan City That Will Be Retaken By Taliban When Marines Leave

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After U.S. Marines secured several government centers, markets, and fuel depots in Kandahar Tuesday, the Pentagon announced that the Afghan city had been liberated from the Taliban until the inevitable withdrawal of U.S. forces results in the Islamic extremists once more regaining control. "This is a great temporary and ultimately shallow victory for us and for the citizens of Kandahar," Gen. Alan Smith said. "America is committed to momentarily displacing extremism until such a time that the world is no longer paying attention to our occupation and we can go home." Gen. Smith went on to say that the training of the Afghan police force and army was also a success, boasting a 15 percent rate of soldiers not defecting to the Taliban as soon as they had weapons.

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