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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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U.S. Forces Take Over Key Afghan City That Will Be Retaken By Taliban When Marines Leave

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After U.S. Marines secured several government centers, markets, and fuel depots in Kandahar Tuesday, the Pentagon announced that the Afghan city had been liberated from the Taliban until the inevitable withdrawal of U.S. forces results in the Islamic extremists once more regaining control. "This is a great temporary and ultimately shallow victory for us and for the citizens of Kandahar," Gen. Alan Smith said. "America is committed to momentarily displacing extremism until such a time that the world is no longer paying attention to our occupation and we can go home." Gen. Smith went on to say that the training of the Afghan police force and army was also a success, boasting a 15 percent rate of soldiers not defecting to the Taliban as soon as they had weapons.

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