U.S. Forms Own U.N.

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Vol 39 Issue 11

Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement

NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz. "My sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote. "Sources say their crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar... and it's got the spoiled socialites in a snit!" As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate the sisters.

Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle

IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack.

Media Coverage Of The War

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing?

Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. "We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike," Pell said. "He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn't do anything but missionary." Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes "spooning" before Viselic dressed and left.
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U.S. Forms Own U.N.

WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the will of its 188 member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.

The U.S. and U.S. delegations.

"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell said.

"Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in procedural policies, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."

"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued. "In fact, you can count on it."

The new organization will be based in Houston, where a $400 million U.S.U.N. Building is currently under construction. The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in a four-minute vote Monday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S."

"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "This organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world, but, unlike the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser nations."
In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously backed a resolution to liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein.

"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Really, I have no idea what we were doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from New Zealand."

Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about dissent."

Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, and George W. Bush, make up the five permanent members of the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council.

"The five Security Council members have veto power to block U.S.U.N. resolutions for military action," Rumsfeld said. "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to have, nonetheless."
According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates hail from every corner of the U.S., General Assembly meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.

"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up in Illinois," U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said. "Despite the diverse backgrounds of the delegates, cooperation has not been a problem—unlike at some outmoded, gridlocked international peacekeeping bodies I could name."

The official U.S.U.N. language is English. The official religion is Christianity.

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