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Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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U.S. General Jealous That Syrian Army Allowed To Attack Citizens

WASHINGTON—U.S. Army Gen. James David Thurman admitted Friday that he felt extremely jealous of the Syrian military’s ability to relentlessly attack its own citizens. “When I saw footage of Syrian forces at a protest gunning down their fellow countrymen with total impunity, I thought, man, what I wouldn’t give to roll into Dayton, OH with 10,000 troops and take a few hundred people out,” said Thurman, who later called Syrian Gen. Abdul Fatah Qudsiya “the luckiest guy in the world.” “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about driving a tank up to a packed movie theater and firing indiscriminately at American men, women, and children without any repercussions. But I can’t do that because we have all these stupid rules.” As of press time, Thurman had formally requested permission for “one little air strike” on Houston.

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