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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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U.S. Government Opens Special 5,000-Acre Area Where Americans Can Go Blow Off Steam

RATON, NM—Federal officials on Friday unveiled a new 5,000-acre national park where frustrated Americans can blow off some steam by smashing rows of televisions with a bat, screaming at the top of their lungs into a canyon, or playing tracks by Motörhead and the Angry Samoans at extreme volumes. "I'm as angry as anyone that we can't pass an energy bill or end Don't Ask, Don't Tell," said Sen. Tom Udall (D-NM), who christened the facility by igniting the contents of a trash barrel, which he then upended and kicked down a rocky slope. "But in the meantime, the least we can do is give people a place to go where they can just fucking have at it." Opening day also included an unscheduled appearance by President Obama, who calmly entered the park, let loose a furious stream of undiluted profanity, punched several trees for 55 minutes, and then returned to Washington.

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