adBlockCheck

U.S. Government Sets Aside 600,000 Acres Of Pristine Land For Future Generations To Pollute

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

U.S. Government Sets Aside 600,000 Acres Of Pristine Land For Future Generations To Pollute

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a landmark preservation effort, federal officials announced plans Monday to set aside a 600,000-acre tract of pristine wilderness so that future generations of Americans can pollute it. “We have a responsibility to ensure that this country continues to have beautiful woodlands, fresh streams, and breathtaking vistas where one day our children and grandchildren can toss their refuse and dump their industrial waste,” said Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, who noted that despoiling the environment is the birthright of every American citizen. “They too should know what it feels like to clear-cut an idyllic forest, poison a crystal-clear lake with chemical runoff, and permanently devastate a fragile ecosystem—not to mention what it feels like to level a majestic mountaintop with dynamite to access the coal beneath. If we don’t act soon, the experiences so many of us take for granted will become little more than a memory.” Jewell expressed her disappointment, however, that tomorrow’s children would never know the joy of driving the Tacoma pocket gopher and ivory-billed woodpecker to extinction.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close