adBlockCheck

U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline federal financial holdings and spur growth, Treasury Secretary John Snow announced Monday that the federal government will discontinue its long-term, low-yield investment in the nation's youth.

President Bush explains the nation's new investment strategy at an inner-city school in Baltimore.

"For generations, we've viewed spending on our nation's young people as an investment in the future," Snow said. "Unfortunately, investments of this type take a minimum of 18 years to mature, and even then, there's no guarantee of a profit. It's just not good business."

Snow compared funneling money into public schools, youth programs, and child health-care clinics to letting the nation's money languish in a low-interest savings account.

"This is taxpayer money we're talking about," Snow said. "We can't keep pouring it into slow-growth ventures, speculating on a minuscule payout some time in the future."

"Federal expenditures are recouped when a child grows up and becomes a productive, taxpaying member of society," Snow said. "But we don't see a sizable return on our investment unless a child invents something profitable, or cures a costly disease, like cancer. The wisdom of making such long-range, long-shot investments is questionable at best, especially when you consider inflation. America would do better to invest in profitable business ventures. It's just that simple."

In the first quarter of 2004, the U.S. will scale back such youth-market investments as Head Start, a federal preschool program for the poor, and D.A.R.E., a drug-use prevention program for minors. Snow said such programs focus on preparing tomorrow's leaders at the expense of turning a profit today. The extensive federal public-education system will also experience major cutbacks.

"With the economy showing signs of recovery, now is the time to cut away the dead wood," Snow said. "As the stock market turns around, we have a real opportunity to make some money. But that's only if we shift the nation's funds into high-yield, short-term investments."

Snow said he plans to support the private sector with corporate subsidies, and to invest overseas.

"This nation needs something really big to turn it around, something like the '90s tech bubble," Snow said. "We need a winning business model, something that after-school art workshops and inner-city basketball programs simply do not offer."

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan expressed cautious support for the divestments.

"Investments in our nation's young people have never yielded very impressive gains," Greenspan said. "On the other hand, as the market improves, disinflation is a major concern for future quarters. The education system is a huge employer in this country, and consumer spending could be affected."

Jack Carpenter, a financial consultant for Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu, said he is excited by the prospects for the nation's financial future.

"In such tough markets, the federal government should be putting its money in fliers, but instead, it's wasting it all on crawlers," Carpenter said. "Right now, we should focus on high-growth industries. Professional and technical services, finance and insurance, and information management are hot right now. Inner-city community youth programs—not so much."

Carpenter noted that not all investments in America's youth are low-yield, pointing to several youth-targeted efforts in the private sector that have generated immense returns.

An advertisement that supports divestment of our stake in the nation's youth.

"Coca-Cola and Microsoft," Carpenter said. "Both organizations have done very well in the youth market. Coke markets their beverages largely to children and young adults, showing steady gains. And Microsoft, maker of the X-Box, has increased profits and beat earnings expectations in each of the past eight quarters. The federal government has a lot to learn from these businesses."

In spite of an outcry from teachers and union leaders, Snow insisted that the divestment will be a boon for all Americans.

"Taking a student through high school costs the federal government nearly $100,000 in taxpayer money," Snow said. "If that figure upsets you, then think about the times that we invest in a child and then he pulls out of the program before he matures."

Secretary of Education Rod Paige, whose post has historically been strongly committed to investment in youth and the bridges from one century to the next, surprised many when he came out in favor of the controversial plan. Paige said data collected over the past five years shows that there is reason to divest our stake in the nation's youth.

"Look at our recent graduates," Paige said. "So many recipients of years of federal investments are laying around in a state of unemployment. It's just not reasonable to continue to invest billions of dollars in such risky ventures."

Paige was quick to add that the new investment strategy doesn't involve dismantling the public school system, just restructuring it.

"The proposed plan actually includes increased investments in vouchers for private schools," Paige said. "Through the years, we've seen consistent returns from blue-chip schools."

In addition, Paige said Republican leaders are investing record levels of federal money in support of President Bush's No Child Left Behind program, which calls for expanded testing, higher-quality teachers, and greater achievement among students, particularly those in poor districts.

"Testing is exactly the sort of research the government should do before making spending decisions," Paige said. "How else will we know which individuals are sound investments and which are likely to waste our time and money?"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close