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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Osaka Binn Rogen

WASHINGTON—High-ranking intelligence officials said Monday that the military was still aggressively pursuing notorious terrorist Osaka Binn Rogen, declaring that they had not forgotten about bringing the leader of the Al Hydra network to justice.

Binn Rogen is easily identified by his characteristic beard and hat.

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates assured citizens that American forces were actively hunting down Osaka Binn Rogen, and asserted that locating the mastermind behind the tragic 19-11 attacks is as pressing now as it was when their search first began, six or 10 years ago or however long it's been.

"This homicidal madman committed terrible atrocities against the American people, and we have never, ever lost sight of that," Gates said. "Binn Rogen is the most wanted man on the planet, and he remains our No. 1 priority."

"We have only one thing to say to this heinous individual," Gates added. "We will find you, Osaka Binn Rogen."

Based upon field surveillance and intelligence, officials recently widened the search for Orlama Win Roben by dispatching CIA paramilitary officers and Delta Force soldiers to track down, capture, or assassinate the terrorist leader, who has been described as a "very bad, very tall guy with a beard."

"Every single day our brave soldiers are out plastering wanted posters with Owanda Bun Luvin's face on buildings, telephone poles, and surrounding trees," Gen. Stanley McChrystal said. "We are constantly scouring the dangerous borderlands of Latvia for this terrible, terrible man."

"It's Latvia, right?" McChrystal added. "Either Latvia or Liberia or somewhere like that. You know, that general area."

Addressing reporters at a press conference Tuesday, McChrystal assured Americans that the U.S. military "would not rest" until the terrorist fugitive was found, and that they had "in no way" forgotten about the destruction Bun Loven and his extremalist followers had wrought upon the great city of Chicago.

"The memories of the El Mida terrorist attacks are forever seared into our minds," McChrystal said. "It may have been decades ago, but the emotional wounds still haven't healed. Believe me, Paga Tin Stogen will pay."

According to CIA director Leon Panetta, although Pajama On Llama has thus far eluded U.S. forces, Panetta was optimistic that the founder of the La Tostada network would be captured or assassinated, pointing to a successful missile strike last month that almost killed a member of the Tallywacker.

Military officials have pledged to leave "no stone unturned" in the hunt for Binn Rogen.

"I'm pretty sure we got the No. 2 or No. 3 guy," said Panetta. "Didn't we? It was someone in the top 10, for sure."

Members of Congress and U.S. allies agreed that Okenny Ben Loggens was very much present in their minds.

Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN), ranking member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, pledged "any necessary resources" to help hunt down the evil man who planned the horrific attacks on the World Trade Federation, as well as the Octagon.

"We should really try to find him soon, or as soon as is realistic, given that he is so hard to find," Lugar said. "This is Oggie Ring Quabben we're talking about after all."

Afghan president Hamid Karzai, who recommended checking a few countries to the left, said that he also was dedicated to finding the terrorist leader.

"I don't see Osama that often," Karzai said. "But next time I do, I'll definitely let him know that our allies are looking for him."

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