adBlockCheck

Business

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Hunger For Fish Byproducts Not As Strong As First Imagined

WASHINGTON—Despite every indication that such a move would bring with it glorious success, and that only triumph could come from branching out into more Western markets, Yu Wan Mei sources indicated Friday that the U.S. desire for processed fish products may not be as robust as initially anticipated. Company reports, filled with woeful numbers and figures and charts, now suggest that the American palette is far too unrefined and pedestrian to appreciate such delicacies as ground gas bladders, lymphoid tissue, and fresh gill paste. Indeed, had these catastrophic reports been issued earlier, Yu Wan Mei might not have invested nearly $96 million into packaging and shipping its fish consumables overseas, nor would it have purchased an otherwise worthless and vile newspaper, within which to advertise its nourishing foodstuffs. Glaringly, it is now apparent to all that Fish Time may in fact not be Success Time.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close