adBlockCheck

U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate

WASHINGTON, DC—High summer temperatures and ever-increasing levels of U.S. beverage consumption are causing ice cubes across the nation to melt at "an alarmingly unprecedented rate," the U.S. Department of Consumer Affairs reported Tuesday.

"We are looking at a nationwide trend of crisis proportions," said Clyde Simms, director of the USDCA's potables division and Clinton-appointed Beverage Czar. "If the current rate of melting continues, we may face a situation in which Americans are not assured the option of having an ice-cold beverage in their hands at any given moment."

Of the 28.9 billion tons of ice cubes produced commercially in August, it is estimated that less than half remains. With these frozen resources already depleted—most of them having been removed from proper storage facilities and left to melt in glasses, paper cups and styrofoam coolers—government officials are powerless to stem the tide.

"So far, we have been able to replenish our ice-cube reserves at a fast enough rate to maintain an acceptable level of comfort," Simms said. "But how long will this melting continue? How long can we keep up?"

Over the last decade, the rise in ice-cube melting has been offset by a corresponding increase in production of new cubes. But with the total number of cubes used rising exponentially each year, such a delicate balance may be hard to maintain for long, Simms said.

In the wake of Tuesday's announcement, supermarket, convenience-mart and liquor-store owners across the U.S. are anxiously monitoring their ice chests, hoping they will have enough bags of cubes and blocks to meet demand.

U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate

"Where are the 18,000 pounds of ice we made just last month?" asked Brian Ketterling of Chicago's Central Refrigeration, which produces ice 24 hours a day. "I'll tell you where: nowhere. Even the puddles are gone."

"People say ice cubes are a renewable resource," Ketterling continued, "but try telling that to anyone facing a freezer full of empty trays when it's time to make a 7&7. The last thing on their minds is renewability; they need ice cubes, and they need them now."

According to scientists at the Schweppes Institute Of Liquid-Refreshment Temperature Management, the crisis may have been caused in part by the public's poor understanding of the ice cube's precarious nature.

"Americans may have set themselves up for disaster by willfully ignoring the Achilles' heel of the inexpensive, easy-to-use ice cube," said Schweppes head of research Robert Krupp. "Research shows that the inherent frozen-water matrix which makes up the basic form of the ice cube is extremely susceptible to structural failure when exposed to elevated temperatures."

"To make matters worse," Krupp said, "the cube's cooling power diminishes rapidly as its surface area decreases, resulting in a plummeting beverage cooling-efficiency index."

According to Krupp, many ice-cube-users don't even realize what is happening until it too late. "By that point, heat-induced lethargy may sap homeowners' will to refill their ice-cube trays, exacerbating the problem."

"I've been there and it was horrible, just horrible," said Travis McClintock of Fort Worth, TX. "Suddenly I've got a warm soda, my wife has a warm diet soda, and the kids are scared and crying. And my family wasn't alone."

In an effort to ease the current crisis, the USDCA is asking Americans to take conservation measures. These measures include pre-cooling beverages before adding ice cubes; washing and reusing still-viable cubes instead of throwing them out on the lawn; and always making sure to fill any empty or half-empty slots in ice trays.

In many larger cities, authorities are taking action to avert a full-scale disaster. Boston is granting each resident a second refrigerator and up to eight ice-cube trays, while Los Angeles County has forbidden residents to wash their cars, water their lawns or irrigate crops in order to dedicate the area's precious water reserves to freezing and cubing.

If the situation worsens, Simms said he will use the broad discretionary powers granted him under the Federal Emergency Management Disaster Act of 1994.

"We made it through the energy crisis," Simms said, "and, somehow, God help us, we'll make it through this."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close