adBlockCheck

U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone

WASHINGTON—According to a report released by the Pentagon, evidence suggests that the small Central African nation of Burundi may be developing a telephone, and experts warn the country could be just 10 years away from achieving a dial tone. "If Burundi's telephone has long-distance capabilities, it will be possible for them to reach the continental United States and parts of Canada with just the push of several buttons," CIA spokesman Richard Caburn said. "Thankfully, we possess advanced caller ID technology, so if they ever decide to call, we will be prepared." The Pentagon has mailed Burundi a letter asking them to end their communications program immediately, and has not ruled out the option of a preemptive nuclear strike on the nation.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close