U.S. Intelligence Confirms: The Hillbillies Have the Bomb

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Vol 30 Issue 11

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!
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U.S. Intelligence Confirms: The Hillbillies Have the Bomb

For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the specter of nuclear armageddon looms over the world, as the Pentagon announced yesterday that a group of hillbillies in central Tennessee has constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

The hillbillies successfully completed their first test detonation Monday in the Tennessee desert.

With this potential for destruction in the hands of people who have throughout history acted out violently for no better reason than family tradition, scientists in Helsinki, Finland, have moved the doomsday clock back up to one minute before midnight.

Pentagon officials were tipped off to the backwoods people's potential to invoke mass destruction last week when an I.R.S. agent returned from the Smoky Mountains claiming that a group of hillbillies had threatened to "nuke him up real good." The bomb's existence and operational status were later confirmed by a team of scientists who, after finding the weapon in a hay thresher, were run out of hillbilly territory by a family armed with a shotgun and three dogs named "Duke."

The scientists describe the bomb as a plutonium-lined copper kettle which could easily be imploded to critical mass by igniting the whiskey-drenched possum pelts hanging around its perimeter.

"It is primitive yet brilliant," said Dr. John Hall, the Pentagon's chief investigator. Hall was not sure how they got the plutonium, but said that their handling of it, wearing no more protection than baggy overalls, likely resulted in mutations far beyond those that regularly occur as a result of inbreeding.

Granny Vera, the matriarch of the hillbillies in question, released a statement to the media yesterday by yelling across Ol' Thunder Gorge to a group of reporters gathered on the opposite cliff. "We ain't dealin' with y'all no more!" she said. "Now that we got us this 'nuke-lar' thing, y'all best stay off our land lest we commence to incin'ratin' folks 'till Hell won't have 'em!"

She also ordered "rev'nooers" to stay away, and warned "them prohibition folk" to stop searching for her Pappy's stills.

Though all hillbillies have joined together in solidarity against "city folk," military analysts worry that if feuding among clans were to resume, one side might decide to use more than buckshot.

Said U.S. Secretary of Defense William Perry, "We can only pray that the hillbilly culture is advanced enough to understand the sophisticated theory of peace through nuclear deterrence."

At this point, the Defense Department believes that the hillbillies possess no means of moving the warhead outside their territory. However, if the hillbillies' bomb were detonated in the epicenter of their community, it would have catastrophic effects on the outside, civilized world.

With this in mind, President Clinton says his main goal is to get the hillbillies to dismantle their bomb entirely. To that end, he plans to negotiate with the hillbillies, offering them tax cuts, greater freedom in liquor production and a revocation of all laws prohibiting incest.

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