U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Defense Intelligence Agency suggests that there is reason to believe that the former Soviet republic of Nukehavistan may be manufacturing nuclear weapons.

"New intelligence indicates that the likelihood of Nukehavistan possessing nuclear weapons is moderate to strong," said DIA Director Vice Adm. Lowell Jacoby in a press conference Monday.

The report cited several factors that aroused the DIA's suspicion, including the recent ratification of the Nukehavistan Nuclear Pro-Proliferation Treaty, the hawk clutching several nuclear weapons in the Nukehavistani government seal, and the July release of the commemorative "Great Nuclear Weapons Of Nukehavistan" stamp series.

While U.S. reconnaissance satellites have yielded no conclusive evidence of Nukehavistani nuclear capability or activity, suspicions remain.

"High-resolution surveillance images obtained via satellite were marred by a green, glowing hue," Jacoby said. "While we cannot conclude that Nukehavistan has nuclear capabilities at this time, it is very possible that our satellites need better cameras."

For now, DIA representatives are investigating this little-known nation, which in 1990 became the first republic to break from the Soviet Union and amass nuclear-manufacturing materials.

"Nukehavistan's topography is dominated by flat, featureless stretches of gypsum and alkali, punctuated by the occasional deep crater and the twisted remains of metal structures," Jacoby said. "Its main exports are surplus Geiger counters, Tyvek fabric, and radioiodine-laced milk, and its only known import is weapons-grade plutonium."

Human intelligence-gathering is reportedly very difficult in the isolated, landlocked country. Nukehavistan's borders are tightly patrolled by its army, and foreigners must receive an official and hard-to-obtain visa to enter the country. However, according to the U.S. State Department, tourism has increased over the past 10 years. The tiny nation is visited most frequently by vacationers from Iran, North Korea, and Pakistan.

It is believed that over 90 percent of Nukehavistan's 17 million citizens work in the power-plant industry.

In the summer issue of Jane's Defense Quarterly, Brian Walters, an expert in former Soviet republics, argued that the DIA's suspicion was founded in cultural bias.

"Nukehavistanis' traditional dress consists of elaborately embroidered lead aprons with hoods and large lead-shielded visors," Walters said. "Their folk music possesses a droning quality comprising two high-pitched concurrent tones at a frequency identical to that of the old Emergency Broadcast System of the Cold War era."

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is planning a visit to Nukehavistan's capital city of Silograd in September. "While there, I will do my best to determine the extent of Nukehavistan's nuclear-production potential," Rice said.

"I also plan to visit the Great Silo," added Rice, speaking of the towering minaret-like structure at the city's center, one of only two man-made structures visible from a low-Earth orbit.

Nukehavistan has neither confirmed nor denied suspicions that they are manufacturing nuclear weapons. Their only response to the mounting investigation came in a vague statement issued late Tuesday evening by Sergei Annihilatovich, who serves as both Nukehavistan's president and its secretary of offensive atomic munitions manufacturing and deployment.

"If this unnecessary investigation by the United States continues, we will have no choice but to nuke them," he said.

Next Story