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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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U.S. Invades Vietnam

Clinton: ‘We need another Vietnam’

President Clinton an-nounced today that after 20 years and a slow, painful healing process, the U.S. will again invade Vietnam. “For a long time, we have said we don’t need another Viet-nam,” Clinton told a joint session of Congress. “But now, more than ever, America needs to be divided. We need another Vietnam.”

American ground troops will be flown in via helicopters to ransack villages. Unrelenting napalm bombing missions will obliterate thousands of acres of Vietnamese farmland and rain forest. Clinton also plans to use chemical weapons like Agent Orange to inflict long-term physical damage to Vietnamese civilians and American soldiers alike. “Furthermore,” Clinton said, “I believe the time is right for American soldiers to rape and kill more Vietnamese women and children.”

Clinton urged our nation’s young people to do their part by organizing protests against the war.

“It is up to the younger generation to put a wedge in our national pride, and make the soldiers doubt their mission overseas,” he said. “I want to see flags burning on our campuses.” The president promised to order National Guardsmen to shoot students who engage in protest of any kind.

Eighteen to 30-year-olds are being conscripted by the thousands at local armed forces recruiting offices. But many eligible men are burning their draft cards and escaping to universities, seminaries or Canada. Clinton applauded these men for helping create a class war.

“With your help,” he said, “America can be split into the haves and the have-nots. Those with the means will escape the war, while those without will be sent overseas to die.”

Clinton said he hopes the majority of those who die are impoverished blacks, or at the very least, poor white southerners.

Clinton called on the Vietnamese to take as many U.S. prisoners as they can. “Only then can we, as a nation, be truly demoralized by war,” Clinton said. The president looks forward to hearing tales many years from now of brutal, unspeakable torture, and of the dehumanization of U.S. soldiers in POW camps. He promised that his administration would do very little to return the soldiers when the war is over.

The president promised that soldiers will be heckled and spat upon when returning to America after the war. “I myself will stand by the transport planes when our soldiers come back, and I’ll yell, ‘Babykiller!’”

Clinton urged soldiers to impregnate Vietnamese women during the war so their half-Vietnamese children will be shunned from birth as Yankee-blooded freaks. “And in many years,” Clinton said, “when those children come here to find their fathers, we will stand united and call them freaks, and send them back.”

Clinton said he hopes to see news footage even more disturbing than the famous film of the Vietnamese youth being shot in the head at point-blank range by a laughing U.S. general. “And that picture of the naked Vietnamese girl running through the streets as her village burns behind her. I want to see more pictures like that one.”

The war will be fought half-heartedly until January 2000.

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