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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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U.S. Invades Vietnam

Clinton: ‘We need another Vietnam’

President Clinton an-nounced today that after 20 years and a slow, painful healing process, the U.S. will again invade Vietnam. “For a long time, we have said we don’t need another Viet-nam,” Clinton told a joint session of Congress. “But now, more than ever, America needs to be divided. We need another Vietnam.”

American ground troops will be flown in via helicopters to ransack villages. Unrelenting napalm bombing missions will obliterate thousands of acres of Vietnamese farmland and rain forest. Clinton also plans to use chemical weapons like Agent Orange to inflict long-term physical damage to Vietnamese civilians and American soldiers alike. “Furthermore,” Clinton said, “I believe the time is right for American soldiers to rape and kill more Vietnamese women and children.”

Clinton urged our nation’s young people to do their part by organizing protests against the war.

“It is up to the younger generation to put a wedge in our national pride, and make the soldiers doubt their mission overseas,” he said. “I want to see flags burning on our campuses.” The president promised to order National Guardsmen to shoot students who engage in protest of any kind.

Eighteen to 30-year-olds are being conscripted by the thousands at local armed forces recruiting offices. But many eligible men are burning their draft cards and escaping to universities, seminaries or Canada. Clinton applauded these men for helping create a class war.

“With your help,” he said, “America can be split into the haves and the have-nots. Those with the means will escape the war, while those without will be sent overseas to die.”

Clinton said he hopes the majority of those who die are impoverished blacks, or at the very least, poor white southerners.

Clinton called on the Vietnamese to take as many U.S. prisoners as they can. “Only then can we, as a nation, be truly demoralized by war,” Clinton said. The president looks forward to hearing tales many years from now of brutal, unspeakable torture, and of the dehumanization of U.S. soldiers in POW camps. He promised that his administration would do very little to return the soldiers when the war is over.

The president promised that soldiers will be heckled and spat upon when returning to America after the war. “I myself will stand by the transport planes when our soldiers come back, and I’ll yell, ‘Babykiller!’”

Clinton urged soldiers to impregnate Vietnamese women during the war so their half-Vietnamese children will be shunned from birth as Yankee-blooded freaks. “And in many years,” Clinton said, “when those children come here to find their fathers, we will stand united and call them freaks, and send them back.”

Clinton said he hopes to see news footage even more disturbing than the famous film of the Vietnamese youth being shot in the head at point-blank range by a laughing U.S. general. “And that picture of the naked Vietnamese girl running through the streets as her village burns behind her. I want to see more pictures like that one.”

The war will be fought half-heartedly until January 2000.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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