adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Invades Vietnam

Clinton: ‘We need another Vietnam’

President Clinton an-nounced today that after 20 years and a slow, painful healing process, the U.S. will again invade Vietnam. “For a long time, we have said we don’t need another Viet-nam,” Clinton told a joint session of Congress. “But now, more than ever, America needs to be divided. We need another Vietnam.”

American ground troops will be flown in via helicopters to ransack villages. Unrelenting napalm bombing missions will obliterate thousands of acres of Vietnamese farmland and rain forest. Clinton also plans to use chemical weapons like Agent Orange to inflict long-term physical damage to Vietnamese civilians and American soldiers alike. “Furthermore,” Clinton said, “I believe the time is right for American soldiers to rape and kill more Vietnamese women and children.”

Clinton urged our nation’s young people to do their part by organizing protests against the war.

“It is up to the younger generation to put a wedge in our national pride, and make the soldiers doubt their mission overseas,” he said. “I want to see flags burning on our campuses.” The president promised to order National Guardsmen to shoot students who engage in protest of any kind.

Eighteen to 30-year-olds are being conscripted by the thousands at local armed forces recruiting offices. But many eligible men are burning their draft cards and escaping to universities, seminaries or Canada. Clinton applauded these men for helping create a class war.

“With your help,” he said, “America can be split into the haves and the have-nots. Those with the means will escape the war, while those without will be sent overseas to die.”

Clinton said he hopes the majority of those who die are impoverished blacks, or at the very least, poor white southerners.

Clinton called on the Vietnamese to take as many U.S. prisoners as they can. “Only then can we, as a nation, be truly demoralized by war,” Clinton said. The president looks forward to hearing tales many years from now of brutal, unspeakable torture, and of the dehumanization of U.S. soldiers in POW camps. He promised that his administration would do very little to return the soldiers when the war is over.

The president promised that soldiers will be heckled and spat upon when returning to America after the war. “I myself will stand by the transport planes when our soldiers come back, and I’ll yell, ‘Babykiller!’”

Clinton urged soldiers to impregnate Vietnamese women during the war so their half-Vietnamese children will be shunned from birth as Yankee-blooded freaks. “And in many years,” Clinton said, “when those children come here to find their fathers, we will stand united and call them freaks, and send them back.”

Clinton said he hopes to see news footage even more disturbing than the famous film of the Vietnamese youth being shot in the head at point-blank range by a laughing U.S. general. “And that picture of the naked Vietnamese girl running through the streets as her village burns behind her. I want to see more pictures like that one.”

The war will be fought half-heartedly until January 2000.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close