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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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U.S. Invades Vietnam

Clinton: ‘We need another Vietnam’

President Clinton an-nounced today that after 20 years and a slow, painful healing process, the U.S. will again invade Vietnam. “For a long time, we have said we don’t need another Viet-nam,” Clinton told a joint session of Congress. “But now, more than ever, America needs to be divided. We need another Vietnam.”

American ground troops will be flown in via helicopters to ransack villages. Unrelenting napalm bombing missions will obliterate thousands of acres of Vietnamese farmland and rain forest. Clinton also plans to use chemical weapons like Agent Orange to inflict long-term physical damage to Vietnamese civilians and American soldiers alike. “Furthermore,” Clinton said, “I believe the time is right for American soldiers to rape and kill more Vietnamese women and children.”

Clinton urged our nation’s young people to do their part by organizing protests against the war.

“It is up to the younger generation to put a wedge in our national pride, and make the soldiers doubt their mission overseas,” he said. “I want to see flags burning on our campuses.” The president promised to order National Guardsmen to shoot students who engage in protest of any kind.

Eighteen to 30-year-olds are being conscripted by the thousands at local armed forces recruiting offices. But many eligible men are burning their draft cards and escaping to universities, seminaries or Canada. Clinton applauded these men for helping create a class war.

“With your help,” he said, “America can be split into the haves and the have-nots. Those with the means will escape the war, while those without will be sent overseas to die.”

Clinton said he hopes the majority of those who die are impoverished blacks, or at the very least, poor white southerners.

Clinton called on the Vietnamese to take as many U.S. prisoners as they can. “Only then can we, as a nation, be truly demoralized by war,” Clinton said. The president looks forward to hearing tales many years from now of brutal, unspeakable torture, and of the dehumanization of U.S. soldiers in POW camps. He promised that his administration would do very little to return the soldiers when the war is over.

The president promised that soldiers will be heckled and spat upon when returning to America after the war. “I myself will stand by the transport planes when our soldiers come back, and I’ll yell, ‘Babykiller!’”

Clinton urged soldiers to impregnate Vietnamese women during the war so their half-Vietnamese children will be shunned from birth as Yankee-blooded freaks. “And in many years,” Clinton said, “when those children come here to find their fathers, we will stand united and call them freaks, and send them back.”

Clinton said he hopes to see news footage even more disturbing than the famous film of the Vietnamese youth being shot in the head at point-blank range by a laughing U.S. general. “And that picture of the naked Vietnamese girl running through the streets as her village burns behind her. I want to see more pictures like that one.”

The war will be fought half-heartedly until January 2000.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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