U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Embarrassing Video Of Nation Surfaces On Internet

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Vol 48 Issue 07

Oh Fuck, What The Fuck Is That?

Animal 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST A woman talks about the time she saw what had to be a centipede just sitting there in her bathroom—covered in fur and the size of her fucking arm—but when she came back it was gone and that's even more terrifying.

Smug New Mom Going To Start A Blog

SAN FRANCISCO—Three days after giving birth, first-time mother Courtney Baldritch has registered with the web service WordPress for the purpose of blogging the severely underdocumented experience of child-rearing.

Come Away With Me

Fox 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Norah Jones sips a glass of wine and watches people have sex to Norah Jones songs.

FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband

Fearing it would interfere with GPS devices, the Federal Communications Commission is revoking the permit of the company LightSquared to build a nationwide wireless broadband network.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Embarrassing Video Of Nation Surfaces On Internet

BRUSSELS—Representatives of the 192 remaining U.N. member states have expelled the U.S. delegation following the country's appearance last week in a compromising nine-minute video on the popular website YouTube. "These images of the United States indulging in irresponsible, lewd, and perhaps intoxicated behavior present sufficient grounds to revoke its seat in the General Assembly," Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon announced Sunday, describing the clip as "appalling" and "distasteful by any standard of human decency." "We may in the future consider membership on a strictly probationary basis if the U.S. can mature and make significant strides toward civilization." In the spirit of full disclosure, Ban admitted he did smirk a bit during the drunken stapler fight.

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