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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team Thinks It Has Let Entire Nation Down

LONDON—Members of the U.S. men's gymnastics team have continued to apologize for their fifth-place finish in Monday’s team finals, mistakenly convinced that they dashed the entire nation's dreams of Olympic glory. "They didn't even come close to letting us down," said Minnesota resident Harry Camiel, referring to the male gymnasts who earlier fought back tears as they struggled to express how deeply sorry they were for breaking the hearts of the 300 million devoted fans they believed were counting on them. "Not a big deal. We don't actually care one way or the other whether you won or lost. It's not something important like basketball." At press time, the U.S. populace was unavailable for further comment, as it was completely absorbed in highlights from the Blue Jays–Mariners game.

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